Day 18: A Problem I've Had

Do the right thing, especially when it's difficult.

I loved my job my kids. My students were the source of much frustration as well as the reason I could get out of the bed to go to work in the morning. By my third year at my job, I was unhappy. It was more of an subconscious unhappiness that manifested itself in constant illness, fatigue, and other stress related symptoms. By my third year rolled around, I spent the first 6 weeks of the school year battling blurred vision, a never-ending cold, and worst of all respiratory distress that would have me gasping for air in the middle of class. By the end of the school year, I spent many days pushing back tears to and from work. Despite the adversity I faced at work, I was caught at a crossroads: do I stay and pray that it would get better the next year, or do I leave and start over? What about my kids? What about all of the things I was involved in? What if I leave and end up in a worse situation?

By the end of June, I decided to step out on faith. If God has been keeping me thus far, I wholeheartedly believed that He would not bring me into a worse situation. So, I took my leap of faith. The second interview I went on, although I arrived 15 minutes late, felt totally unprepared, and just knew there was no way I could get this job, I got the job offer the same day I interviewed.

Now that we're a few weeks from ending the first semester, I can say I am a lot happier where I am. I still love and miss my kids. And there are times that I wonder if I made the right decision because I do have difficult days. But, I'm reminded that no matter what my fears and what if's are, as long as I follow God and his will for my life, he will guide me to the path I'm supposed to be on.

It was difficult, but I had do the right thing, for me.

Day 17: Something I'm Proud Of

I am most proud of being me.

I don't say it to sound conceited, but I am pretty awesome, and I'm very proud of that.

Why do I say this? Let's go over some stats:
-Child of a single mother
-Grew up without a father (or real male influence for that matter)
-Welfare kid raised mostly in NYC housing
-Have taken on a great amount of responsibility from a young age
-Graduated from one of the top schools in the city (as well as the country)
-I have my bachelors, and masters, and have been working in my profession since 23.

Based on my humble beginnings, there's a lot of places I should've ended up. The statistics were not in my favor to achieve what I have done in this almost 27 years of life (...and we all know what the stats say I should be doing with my life). But, by the grace of God and having a strong mother, grandmother, and various teachers over the years who kept me on track, my narrative is different than what the outside world would have projected for me. And for that, I am extremely proud. I hope and pray that as I dive deeper into my profession and the purpose that God has for my life, that I can use my life as a testament to those coming up after me that your story doesn't have to be what the masses have made it to be. Your story can be different. It won't be easy, but its not impossible.

This is what I am most proud of. :)

Day 16: "What If..."

One of my more "what if" life questions has been what if I grew up with my father's side of the family? I didn't actually meet my father until I was 18. On Mother's Day 2003, I looked in the phone book and the second number I called was him. I met my younger sister in 2005, some of my older cousins and aunt in 2010, and my brothers, step mother and more cousins this year. The more family I meet, the more I wonder how different my life would have been if they had been there the whole time instead of now.

The one person I've always wanted to meet but I don't know if I'll ever get the chance to is my grandmother. When I went to my cousin's Labor Day BBQ this year, I was around a bunch of people who had known my grandma in some capacity and so many said that I remind them of her. It was bittersweet for me because I have absolutely no connection to her and didn't actually see a picture of her for the first time until this year. I wonder if I would've been grandma's little girl since I was the only girl for the longest time? Would she have taught me Spanish and about my Cuban culture and other traditions?

My flights of "what if" fancy clearly focus on the positive side of things of being involved in this loving family and having this great support system helping in my child-rearing. But only God knows if that would've been the case. Not knowing them might have been better than actually being raised in the messiness of family drama. There's no guarantee that they would've even accepted me into the family? ...or that there would have been no drama between my mom, dad, and the family. Considering that I wasn't raised with much family on my mom's side of the family, I wonder if I would have been more secure in having a family structure, which would have made me more secure in who I was, despite the craziness of life during my childhood and adolescence.

I could go on and on with what if's, but instead I've chosen to take the opportunity I have now to get to know my family and pray that although we've missed out in much of each others lives to this point, that we can create our own family bond that didn't happen because of whatever reasons as we were growing up. I'm very much hopeful in that. :)

Day 15: My Zodiac/Horoscope

Today's horoscope according to msn.com
"You should be at your peak of health. Physically, you feel strong and energetic. You're in the physical and mental space to accomplish wonders, so don't be surprised if today you do just that. This could bring you the promise of a brighter future in the creative, professional, and financial domains."

Let's see,,, Since I can't remember the last time I had a full 8 hours of sleep, and I've been fighting the urge to gag on and off for much of the day, I wouldn't say that I'm feeling strong or energetic by any means. Mentally, I've been reflecting on a few things which has led me to be fully aware of my awesome. I'm definitely rocking a big ego right now lol. Maybe the "mental space to accomplish wonders" is on the horizon, but right now I'm just trying to get through Friday.

Day 14: What I Wore Today

Today was definitely not one of my high fashion days. I wore a purple shirt with gray dress pants and a black sweater. And in a move to be super comfortable, I wore my brown and yellow pumas. Yup, comfort over fashion was the name of the game today.

Thoughts on Love

This weekend was largely a cerebral weekend. I generally hate to admit how lost in my own thoughts and emotions I can become. But it's important to take the time to evaluate and re-evaluate the events of and my personal thoughts and feelings regarding the things going on in my life. My Jesus Journal Time (which I definitely need to take more of) brought me to everyone's favorite chapter on love, 1 Corinthians 13. I first read it in NIV, but then something in me wanted to read it in The Message. Mind you, I generally don't like that version of the Bible. But, I have to say I was pleasantly surprised on how much I needed to read those particular words.

"I'm bankrupt without love."

I love love. I love loving, being loved, and being in love. There was a long period in my life where I wouldn't have even thought to utter such a statement, largely based on being hurt so many times in the past. I eventually came to terms with the fact that when God created me, he created a lover and a servant.  Since that point, I have made it part of my life to just love, serve, and develop meaningful relationships with the people around me. It hasn't been easy though. To love truly and deeply is to be vulnerable and transparent- things that I most times don't want to be because it always runs the risk of ending in hurt and rejection. It's for those reasons that I don't use the term "love" lightly.

This is why recent conversations and issues regarding community, friendship, and romantic relationship have been difficult for me to grapple. Within these conversations, I've had to realize that my brand of love and relationship doesn't match the words and actions of many. Arriving to this realization has been the result of the sadness, anger, and confusion that comes along with rejection, as well as the joy, fulfillment and contentment that comes with acceptance. I've definitely been more discouraged lately and have questioned why it just seems to terribly hard to love and be loved by another, just simply because God has created before me a person who deserves to be loved not because of who they could be, but rather because of who they are.

"Love never gives up."

Throwing in the towel has seemed like a great option as of late because my heart has become quite weary. I don't claim to be perfect by any means, but when genuine thought and good intention is met with indifference or rejection, its hard to muster the desire to keep going. Its in those times that God has a great way of reminding me of the great individuals I have in my life who have invested the time and effort to know me and love me for all of the layers and complexities that make me who I am, rather than who I am perceived to be. Having the opportunity to invest and be invested in another has been a beautiful journey that I wouldn't trade for anything. I still struggle, and question, and wrestle with trying to understand why things have turned out the way they have in some areas of my life. So many times I just want God to illuminate the path and time to when things will look differently. But until such time, I must continue love wholeheartedly, and hope and trust in the vision and promise that I believe God has for my life and those who will be part of it.

---------------------------------------------------------------- 

¹²We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!    ¹³But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love."
1 Corinthians 13:12-13 (The Message)

Day 13: Body Image

So today's question is how do I feel about my body? Admittedly that's a tricky topic, especially since I'm a female. It feels like its almost instinctive that no matter what we look like, we find a flaw about ourselves to harp on. I could give a list of my imperfections and provide you with my wishlist of "I'd look so much better if"... but I'd rather take a different approach.

I think that I am pretty beautiful both inside and out. I haven't been always able to say that. In fact, its only at this stage of my life that I'm actually able to say with more conviction that I think I'm pretty awesome. I grew up with a slew of body image issues. I was too tall, too heavy, my hair wasn't straight enough, too dark, ...whatever. I was definitely the kid who was picked on because of my size and shape. And for the longest time, I believed the "hype." Now I look at pictures and realize that I was a bad mother shut your mouth! Shoot, I wish I looked now how I did then lol!

What didn't help me then (or now) is the fact that there aren't enough images in our media and society that affirm natural beauty, especially for black women. I would be and still get discouraged when I can't find stylish clothes or shoes that fit me well. Or, you hear guys refer to women with certain characteristics as beautiful and desirable. What about me...? Who wouldn't want a positive outer affirmation of their thoughts of their own beauty or handsomeness.

To stay that today I am 100% comfortable with my body would be a lie. I definitely would like to lose weight, but for both aesthetic and health reasons, especially since this is probably my heaviest weight to date. I need to put the team chubb chubb lite revolution in full effect. And yes, I do have those days where the murmurs of my imperfections seem to be more audible than the voice of my true beauty. But, for the first time in my life, I can look in the mirror and say, "hey you over there, you're a looker!" That's a feeling that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world.

Surrender

At this point of my life, I've been confronted time and time again with the experiences of my past, the circumstances of my present, and the desires of my future. When a few years ago, time seemed limitless, now time seems to be closing in. Life decisions have bigger consequences, and the stakes are much higher. For a while now, I've been in a state of limbo, battling past, present and future, and finding myself stuck in a place of apathy and rebellion. In my present, I want to rebel against my past, which is full of lack, sacrifice, and denying myself and my desires and needs for others. Yet, care and concern for the other is the very thing that God placed in my heart for his purpose for my life. So, its all made me quite apathetic to many things. I'd rather not deal with it and be self-indulgent than put that time in to be responsible and responsive. In reality, its just left me running in circles leading nowhere. And besides, ignoring the pink elephant in the room doesn't mean it goes away. It grows until you have no choice but to deal with it.

I find myself at the crossroads of continuing on this path of slow destruction, or choosing to confront these places and surrender them to Christ. Yet, its amazing how our minds can be tricked into believing that we can carry our crosses by ourselves, and leave Christ and community out of the equation. Too much time has been given to running, Its now time to take that energy, that time, to spending it with Christ, to reignite the love affair, to bring light to all of these deep, dark places and say and honestly mean Lord, I surrender all.


9.30.11
Surrender means
letting go of control
To let those things that are not of You die
So that I might live as a new creature in you
Surrender is
giving into the idea of the unknown
Because there is comfort in the cross I see before me
than the unknown gift ahead of me
Surrender is
saying let our will be done on earth as it is in heaven
and mean it.
It means being honest
with myself
and you
so that we can be together
My life intertwined with your will
My desires, my fears, my control
broken so that you ay be deeper rooted within me
Lord, I desire more of you,
but fear clouds my line of sight.
Lord I need you
for I am broken.
Father save me.
Fill me.
Comfort me.
Protect me.
Walk with me.
Remind me that I am still your child,
The hand of your creation.

Day 12: Five Guys I Find Attractive

I want to preface this post with the fact that I have a great appreciation for "man candy." =P

Here they are in no particular order:

1) Shia LaBeouf

2) Lance Gross

3) Common

4) Laz Alonso

 5) Paul Rudd

Day 11: Mi Familia

The word family is still an unfolding definition for me. 

I am the oldest of five- two brothers and a sister from my father, and a sister from my mom. 

In a nutshell, family = complicated in both the family tree and the relationship sense.

Both my mother and father have very distant family dynamics.
My mom is African-American and was raised as an only child. On my mother's side, I don't know my grandfather and most of my cousins on my grandmother's side live out of state. Hence, I was not raised with them.
My father Cuban & Bajan and is the youngest of 4. I didn't meet my father until I was 18, and only now at 26 am I actually meeting members of his side of the family, like my brothers, step-mom, cousins, etc. He is also not very connected with his family.

Its only in the past few months of greater interaction with my father's side of the family that I realize that my working definition of what is family is very much limited. I don't know what it functionally looks like, and how to maneuver in it. This is due to 1) having non-existent relationships with extended family, and 2) being met with great responsibility within my family unit. I'm in the process of trying to build relationship with the members of my family on both sides, right now more so on my father's side since I don't know them at all, as opposed to my mom's side where we at least know one another as family, though distant.

My family experiences definitely warrant some sessions on Dr. Phil's couch. Its been a a hard road trying to reconcile the desire for family, the desire for present parents, family stability, sisterhood, sibling relationship... with the reality of what I know and have experienced, with the massive back story that shapes and explains why things are the way they are.

My hope for the future with my family is that relationships can be created, mended, rectified, strengthened, deepened, and unified. In many respects this leaves me as the one to keep people connected (particularly on my mom's side). I can only hope and pray that I don't pass on the same experiences to my future family and children because it certainly isn't easy.

Day 10: Do the Ipod Shuffle

1. The Temptations- Just My Imagination
2. Carlos Santana- Nothing At All (Feat. Musiq)
3. Mariah Carey- Fantasy
4. Mariah Carey- Dream Lover
5. Aaliyah- 4 Page Letter
6. Kirk Whalum- Falling In Love With Jesus
7. Kelly Price- This is Who I Am
8. Destiny's Child- Lose My Breath
9. Jill Scott- Cross My Mind
10. Beyonce- Check On It (Club Mix)

Day 9: Importance of Education

Today is August 31st, which for many signals the end of the summer vacation, and the beginning of a new school year. This year for me is particularly different since I am starting at a new school teaching 11st grade US History, Advisory and an elective course which I'm trying to make into a spoken word class. Its a bittersweet moment- the gaining of new opportunities but the loss of the familiarity and relationships that came with my old job. I'm going to miss my students; the chance to guide them to graduation and beyond, to see them grow and mature, to guide them through the day to day... I miss my babies. I don't regret my decision to leave, but it doesn't make it an easy one by any means.

This new opportunity affords me the chance to further educate myself, develop, and grow within this profession, as well as work with a group of students who don't have the same opportunities as my last group of students. I know I'll develop new relationships, and have new "babies", and God-willing have the opportunity to impact new lives. Teaching is not just a job for me, it is the chance to breathe life into each body that sits in my classroom, life through education.

----------------------------------------------------

Education is imperative. It is a non-negotiable. It is the prerequisite to the rest of one's life. Education or the lack thereof can open windows or slam doors shut. Growing up, education, specifically college was a non-option. It wasn't something that I was beaten over the head with. Rather, it was a matter-of-fact reality of life. Watching shows like The Cosby Show and A Different World made college seem exciting and desirable. Knowing my mother and grandmother's sacrifices to be college educated showed me the importance of education. Admittedly, it makes it difficult to truly grasp why college, let alone high school, becomes an "option" in this day and age. A bachelor's degree has become the new high school diploma. There are jobs out there today that won't even look at you if you don't have a master's degree.

A large part of the reason as to why I teach and form the relationships I create with my students is because I know how important education is. I teach not just for my students to learn a set of facts, but to also learn about life and themselves. I form personal relationships with them in the hopes of making my "product" relevant to their lives. Education broadens not just your opportunities, but your perspective in life. It challenges you. It stretches you. It makes you a more well-rounded person if you let it. So in my conversations with my students, I work to show them how the point A of education can get them to point B, the rest of their lives. I understand that traditional college may not be for everyone, but you have to at minimum graduate high school and pursue some sort of career training outside of high school. 

Its because of the importance of a college degree that college should be a lot cheaper here in the states. (another conversation for another time...)

As I prepare to embark on another school year, I am reflective on the importance of education, and what methodologies I can use to bring this knowledge and realization to my classroom. Wish me luck.

Day 8: What Did I Eat Today?

I ate...

Breakfast- Cinnamon english muffin & a small bowl of grapes
Lunch- margarita pizza slice & garlic knots
Snack- bowl of frosted Rice Krispies; whipped cream
Dinner- Popeyes chicken
Dessert- 2 chocolate chip cookies

Day 7: Five Pet Peeves

Five things that make me cringe...

• Arrogance
• Stubbornness 
• Poor grammar & spelling
• "Alot" instead of "a lot" is the top of that list.
• Sticky/dirty fingers (I wash/wipe my hands a lot)
• Personal space invaders

And for an honorable mention:
Liars
Loud popping sounds
Creased books & papers
Bad drivers
Pedestrians & Bike riders (not all, just the annoying ones)

Day 6: Feelings on Mainstream Music

Can we actually refer to the mass marketed, cookie-cutter, over-sexualized, auto-tune/club beats stuff they overplay on the radio music today?

When I think of music, I think of the music I was exposed to growing up- The Temptations, The Beatles, The Isley Brothers, Lauryn Hill, SWV, Stevie Wonder, Mariah Carey, Mary J. Blige, Michael Jackson, Boyz II Men... artists who believed in actually singing, with real lyrics, harmonies, and production value. These and many other artists have songs, shoot albums, that are classic and ultimately timeless. And yes, during these times, there were those artists that were much more commercialized, and/or more risque. I mean, who really wants their young child singing, "I wanna sex you up" or pretty much anything by Lil' Kim or Foxy Brown. But, even in those instances, there was actual talent present, even if the songs themselves were not appropriate for wider audiences.

Today's artists entertainers have reduced us to such classic lyrics such as "I just wanna f*** every girl in the world," "wheelchair stuntin'- Spongebob making crabby patties," or "sticks and stones may break my bones but chains and whips excite me." Mainstream music today is "aight" for parties and one hit wonders. And admittedly, there are those songs out there that as much as I want to hate on it do catch my ear. (I had to hate myself for lovin' Waka Flocka's No Hands but that sucka was catchy). But to find real music by real artists who are about the craft, for the most part you have to look underground, which is sad.

Sadly, I feel the same applies to gospel music today as well. Gospel is what I grew up on and secular was something that came later. I don't even really follow gospel today because of it. In a recent conversation with a friend, he commented on how back in the day it was gospel music that influenced our secular music. It was artists who came out of the church who took that same sound and brought it to the masses. Today it's the opposite, with gospel biting off of the secular to still seem "hip" or "modern."

Bottom line, whatever happened to originality and actual musical talent in mainstream music?

Time For Big Girl Pants

pro·cras·ti·nate

[proh-kras-tuh-neyt, pruh-]  verb, -nat·ed, -nat·ing.

1. to defer action; delay:

re·spon·si·ble

[ri-spon-suh-buhl]

1. answerable or accountable, as for something within one's power, control, or management

I'm very good at procrastinating. It has become second nature to put off things until the very last possible minute, many times for no good reason other than a general "I just don't feel like it" attitude. I do all of that just to realize every time that it would've been easier and less stressful in the end if I would've taken care of things the way I was supposed to in the timing I was supposed to in the first place. But, I don't.

Why...?

Simply put, I don't want to deal with the implications of responsibility. I think its only a natural feeling when you've been positioned as "the responsible one" from an early age. As I venture further into adulthood, I find myself increasingly choosing the easier way out, or choosing not to deal with things until absolutely necessary. I'll make excuses to rationalize why I should avoid doing various things, why such things would be pointless, knowing deep down that it isn't the right thing to do. Such things allow me to avoid levels of confrontation, unpleasant feelings/emotions, vulnerability, accountability, and other things of the like. But the fact is, such a lifestyle in the end is much more harmful than good. 

I got up this morning to quickly face this reality- the reality that its time to put on my big girl pants and do what I have to do, not because its easy, or that I even desire to do it, but rather because it's the right thing to do. God's grace has been sufficient during this time, but I also know that I am being pushed out of my comfort zone to move more into the things that I'm being called to do at this point in my life.

What does this mean for me?

Lots of bad habit breaking. Much more prayer and reflection. Having those tough conversations that I've been avoiding. Learning to say no. Making sacrifices that will make me less comfortable. Making tough choices. Venturing into unknown territory. Pushing through fear. Exercising FAITH!

With God's help, its time to cast aside old habits and bad ways so that I may do the right thing.

Day 4: Bullet Your Day

Let's see what happened today:

• Woke up ::lol::
• Bathroom stuffs
• Watched hair care videos on Youtube
• Talked to roommate... for a while
• Googled random stuffs related to convo
• Started cleaning living room
• Made breakfast (bacon and a mushroom and spinach omelette)
• Continued cleaning living room while listening to worship songs
• Random acts of foolery on facebook
• Roommate returns, chat some more
• Trip to Bed Bath and Beyond and Target with roomie
• Talked to Alicia
• Picked up stewed beef roti & curry chicken dinner at restaurant
• Ate dinner while watching South Park and then I Love Lucy on laptop
• Took roomie to laundry mat
• Typing this watching the Simpsons
• Ate ice cream

What a day, what a day.

Day 3: A Book I Love

A Tree Grows in Brooklyn: Betty Smith

I want to say it was my freshman year of high school when I was introduced to this book. Oh the mandatory summer reading list... A list of umteen books that we had to choose from to read, and then be tested on in the fall. So when looking at the list, this title immediately caught my attention. What can I say, I'm a Brooklyn girl and a  history lover. This coming of age turn of the century immigrant experience story in Williamsburg quickly became one of my favorite books. Its the only book I've ever read twice. (Shoot, I may just read it again lol).

I fell in love with this book 1) because of the historical nature of it. To get a glimpse of streets and neighborhoods that I am familiar with today at the turn of the century excited my inner history dork lol. But more importantly, as a someone coming of age at the time, I fould myself able to relate to many aspects of the lead character Francie. What can I say, it was an overall great book for me.

Now that I'm older, one of my many running jokes is that I say that I believe in reading. Its become a sad reality of grad school burnout and constantly reading papers, textbooks, and documents for work. But once I walk into a bookstore, I remember my love of reading and remind myself of how I need to bring back that side of me. I love the ability to escape into a new reality through books, or that moment you read something that completely changes your reality, your worldview. One of my goals this summer is to at least read one book in the hopes that it will rekindle my love of reading. Just like I hope that these writing exercises will rekindle my love of writing. Seems like I'll be making another Barnes and Noble trip very soon. :)

Day 2: What I Feel Strongly About...

I was in the 2nd grade when I realized that the quality education that one receives changes based on where you live. It also didn't help that the school and community I lived in was predominantly white, whereas the school and community I moved back to was black and Hispanic. The comparisons were almost immediate. The computer and Spanish classes I once had were no more. No more sprawling fields and sports teams. No special school trips and events. No more edible school lunch.
However, the quality of education wasn't the only thing different about my move back to East NY Brooklyn. There was a whole shift in the quality of life and the resources of and available to the community. I quickly began to realize that there were many differences between the haves and the have nots. And sadly, I soon realized that these differences many times ran along racial lines. I believe this is what sparked my passion for socio-economic disparities, particularly in black and hispanic communities.

This is what helped to shapme my desire to become a teacher. I may not be able to overturn and fix an entire educational system, but I can effect change in my classroom and my community. The students who walk though the doors of my classroom have every right to receive a quality education, as well as the life lessons and skills needed to be successful in society. They deserve teachers who will believe in them, and push them to heights that they may not have deemed possible. They deserve educators who will introduce them to a world that is beyond the boundaries of their block, neighborhood, and even city. They need adults and mentors that can help create in them a future that encompasses and surpasses college and career. This is what I feel strongly about. This is my passion.

Day 1: 5 Ways to Win My Heart

How to win my heart in no specific order:

Sense of Humor/Fun
Anyone who knows me knows my love of laughter and foolery. A big plus is the someone who can laugh, make me laugh, and have the ability to laugh at themselves. Life is to short to be serious all of the time. This should also mean that you know how to.like to have fun, that you're not very uptight, and like to try new things.

Relationship with Christ
There is nothing more sexy appealing than a man who is in relationship with Christ- who can praise, worship, pray, study God's word, and just overall live a Christ-centered life. Its beyond just being a Christian. Many people claim to be Christians but don't actually follow/live a life that reflects a surrendered life to Christ. This doesn't mean that you're perfect because there is no such thing. However, it shows that you live a life that reflects love, servanthood, discernment, faith, honesty, integry,,, the list keeps going.

Pursue Me
Let me preface this by saying that I don't believe in cat and mouse games. Rather, what I mean by this is that you do those things that make me feel and know that I am what you want. So whether its phone calls, texts, a spontanous activity- whatever those little things are that show that you really care. And these things shouldn't stop after the guy gets the girl. Its always good to have that reminder whether its 2 months, 2 years, or 20 years that yup, you're the girl I want. And trust me, I'll always reciprocate the effort.

Be Confident. Be a Leader.
Know who you are and what you want from this life of yours without being arrogant. Then, be about it, especially when its regarding me lol.

Quality Time
A few years ago, I read the Five Love Languages book and I realized that I'm totally a QT person. So, take the extra time out for me, listen to me, be supportive of me. Time is so precious so I really value it when someone its taken out for me.

I don't think the criteria for winning my heart are too complicated. :)

Writers Block: 30 Day Challenge

In a past life, I used to love writing- stories, poems, journals... It was the safe haven for thoughts that couldn't make it to verbal reality. Over time for a myriad of reasons, my writings ceased. So under the inspiration of my partner in crime Alicia, I'm making an attempt to awaken my inner writer. Hopefully after these 30 days, writing will once again become part of who I am.

Happy writings. :)

On Father's Day

My rationale for being a tomboy as a child was quite simple: 1) Catching catepillars, rolling in the grass, and playing with legos and toy cars was much more appealing than barbies, frilly dresses, and easy bake ovens, and 2) things like basketball and baseball is what what men seem to like, so liking these things make me feel closer to having a dad one day.

It was in the fourth grade that I realized that I didn't have a father. My mother and grandmother respectively took turns in raising me, and had done the best in their ability. However, that year, my teacher decided to make a big deal of Father's Day- we made cards, and gifts, and wrote poems. Somewhere tucked away I still have my poem. In it, I introduced myself to my dad, told him my interests, my favorite things, and what I wanted to be when I grew up. From that point forward, I recognized that there was someone missing in my life, and I wanted to know him. Did my eyes come from him? What about parts of my personality? Did we like the same things? What was his family like? If I passed him on the street, would I instantly know it was him?

Childhood excitement and wonder turned into teenage bitterness, turned into adult indifference. I effectively told myself that I made it thus far without one, so I don't need one. Father's Day became just another day on the calendar. If I just ignored it, my feelings surrounding fatherhood and him would go away too. Win win situation. If only life were so simple...

Our world needs fathers. Little girls need to be daddy's princess, and little boys need him to be their role model on what it means to be a man. Despite what today's society says, we need father's who will teach, mold, support and nurture their children throughout adulthood. The role of a father affects how we view ourselves, our relationships, our children, and even our relationship with Christ.

What does God the Father mean if we don't know the meaning of father and fatherhood...?

It has been 8 years since I found my father, and it has been a difficult journey. My prayer is that one day, my future children won't have to share my experience. And I believe that God will honor that prayer.

To all of the fathers, grandfathers, step-fathers, uncles, cousins, teachers, pastors, coaches, big brothers- to the men who have risen to the occasion of fatherhood, thank you. :)

The Lion and the Lamb

Last Saturday, I woke up, turned on the tv, and had the chance to watch one of my secretly favorite movies- Mr. Holland's Opus. On a basic level, it combines three of my loves, history, teaching and music. On a deeper level, it gives an interesting commentary on societal change, love, family, friendship, dedication and self-sacrifice. As an educator, its inspiring in the sense that one man could have such an impact on so many lives just through teaching. On the other hand, its sad to see that he did not have that same impact for many years in his own personal life. In many respects, it reminds me of the verse:
 "For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?" (Mark 8:36)
What good is it to be loved my many just to lose the essence of who you are in the process?

The start of the Lenten season put me in the crossroads of this question. What good is it for me to continue to work and dedicate myself to so many areas and not do the same for self? I have recognized for a while now that in the pursuit of career and adult responsibilities, I have let personal desires fade into the background. The easy fix to that has been to find instant gratification in things like food or tv, or just being plain apathetic because its easier to do nothing than to take on something else responsibility based, even if it is for self. My many attempts at instant gratification have only led to more problems and more frustration on the larger scale. 

March in many respects has come in like a lion: its been emotional. Its been a fight against self. There have been many difficult days.
But, March in many respects has gone out like a lamb: there has been laughter, and peaceful moments, and prayerful moments, and times of inspiration.
Starting tomorrow, I will be renewing my Daniel Fast. I did 8 of the initial 21 and now I'm going to start at least another 13 to complete the 21. I just have to keep pressing on no matter how difficult, because I know that if I don't, I won't be living a life true to what God desires for me.

So, time to do some more soul searching...

Day 6

Today is day 6 of my Daniel Fast and in all honesty, it hasn't been too bad. I haven't really missed food stuffs like cupcakes and ice cream, and burgers... so far so good. It only bothers me when I'm leaving work and find myself starving and looking for food. My day usually consists of leaving my house by 7am and not leaving work until sometimes 5pm or later, which leaves me very hungry at that time. Its those moments that I want nothing more than to go to my bodega spot and get my pastrami and provolone on a roll with lettuce, tomato, a little mayo and salt and pepper lol! So far, I've been out to eat twice with friends and have been able to order salads that were pretty good so I didn't feel like I was missing out on too much.

So far, I'm reminded of the fact that I have the ability and will power to do what I'd have to do to make changes in my life. What I now have to get down to is the heart of the matter which is discipline. What is it going to take to ignite that fire in me to make my desires of change a reality?

Lent 2011

Let began this Wednesday. Admittedly, I've been both looking forward and dreading this time. I look forward to Lent because I consider it my spiritual new year. The daily grind of life always has a way of pulling me away from that Christ-centered life that I desire. This year, I'm starting with a Daniel Fast and giving up facebook for several reasons- mainly because I'm seeking God's direction and His healing of the broken places in my life. After that, for the remainder of Lent I will be giving up meat, except for fish. Man, a piece of baked salmon sure does look good right about now... lol! I don't look forward to this journey because I know that its going to ask of me the things I don't desire to do and the things I don't want to deal with. But this is part of the Christ-centered life- cutting away those things that are not like Him in my life so that I can be more like Him.

Today is day 3 and I have been going strong. I even did a 20 minute workout. And I haven't even thought about facebook once. I've already had a bit more energy and I also started reading the book of Daniel. I know that this process will have its difficulties, but I also know that its what's necessary to live more in the fullness of what God purposed my life to be.

Welcome Back!

Wow! It has been over 2 years since I've touched this blog. Looking back on the posts that I've made in the past, I am reminded of how much has happened over the course of these past 2 years. I also realize how much I've changed as an individual during this time, hopefully for the better :)