Day 16: "What If..."

One of my more "what if" life questions has been what if I grew up with my father's side of the family? I didn't actually meet my father until I was 18. On Mother's Day 2003, I looked in the phone book and the second number I called was him. I met my younger sister in 2005, some of my older cousins and aunt in 2010, and my brothers, step mother and more cousins this year. The more family I meet, the more I wonder how different my life would have been if they had been there the whole time instead of now.

The one person I've always wanted to meet but I don't know if I'll ever get the chance to is my grandmother. When I went to my cousin's Labor Day BBQ this year, I was around a bunch of people who had known my grandma in some capacity and so many said that I remind them of her. It was bittersweet for me because I have absolutely no connection to her and didn't actually see a picture of her for the first time until this year. I wonder if I would've been grandma's little girl since I was the only girl for the longest time? Would she have taught me Spanish and about my Cuban culture and other traditions?

My flights of "what if" fancy clearly focus on the positive side of things of being involved in this loving family and having this great support system helping in my child-rearing. But only God knows if that would've been the case. Not knowing them might have been better than actually being raised in the messiness of family drama. There's no guarantee that they would've even accepted me into the family? ...or that there would have been no drama between my mom, dad, and the family. Considering that I wasn't raised with much family on my mom's side of the family, I wonder if I would have been more secure in having a family structure, which would have made me more secure in who I was, despite the craziness of life during my childhood and adolescence.

I could go on and on with what if's, but instead I've chosen to take the opportunity I have now to get to know my family and pray that although we've missed out in much of each others lives to this point, that we can create our own family bond that didn't happen because of whatever reasons as we were growing up. I'm very much hopeful in that. :)