New Year's Eve

As 2012 comes to a close tonight, I can't help but be reflective of the number of changes that have happened in my life this year. It has been a roller coaster of a year, truly full of its peaks and valley's.  With my birthday just passing a week and a half prior to today, I have spent my time reflecting on where I have been and where I'd like to be. To not be consumed by the negative has been an active choice, for I definitely am not whee I'd like to be at this time in life. Yet, I can't help but find myself thankful and waiting in anticipation for what God has in store for this next year of my life.

"Unto You be all the glory."

There are many things that I want to see in this next year of my life- an apartment of my own, new and mended relationships, traveling, better finances. Yet, what I currently long for is to really see where God will take me and grow me in this coming year. Yes, I want to increase this year, and not in the prosperity and blessing theology sense (though I wouldn't turn down material blessing by any means). I want to increase in faith, and truly have my life be a testament to the power of God in one's life when they choose to surrender their lives to Him.

Decrease for increase. Less of me, more of Him.

This year's over-arching goal is to change my narrative. And in changing my narrative, that means removing those things from my life that 1) don't benefit me in any way 2) don't glorify God in any way and 3) have taken too high of a place in my life. The closing of this year has been working on pulling the weeds in my life to prep and prime the soil for a bountiful growing and harvest season, so that it may bless me and all of those around me. That is my prayer for the coming year.

Day 20: Your Fears

Failure.
Mediocrity.
Being alone.
Unrealized dreams.
Not fulfilling my purpose.

Though I don't believe in psychics, there are times that I wish I had the ability to get a glimpse into what the future looks like so I know what to expect. Through the Bible and his divine revelation to us, God gives us tidbits of different areas of our lives in the times to come. But as I become more anxious in certain areas of my life, I wish I had a little life cheat sheet to help me along the way.

I'm definitely at a time in my life where as I begin to evaluate what really matters, I can't help but have some of those "what if" questions lurk around my thoughts. What if I miss the mark? What if I don't make it? What if my life goes in a completely different direction? What if I don't make it? I try not to let these things get to me because if left to my own devises I can definitely think and over analyze myself into an abyss of "what if's."

What I hold onto today is the fact that I believe that God's promises for my life will be fulfilled! My life will not be reduced to a dream deferred. When the voices of fear and circumstance become more audible than things I believe God for in my life, I am quickly reminded that He will never leave or forsake me. So, I must keep going.

Besides, I've come too far now to let something like the what if's turn my fears into reality.

Leap of Faith- What is your "holy grail"?

One of my favorite films is Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. My favorite scene in the film is when Indiana Jones is faced with crossing this unfathomable pass from one cliff to another in quest of the Holy Grail. In a moment of ultimate faith, Indy steps out and his path is made straight before him. In my life, this has become my image of ultimate faith. When things seem at their most bleak, most impossible, when there is no where else to turn, it is faith in God that truly makes a way out of no way. The path that God creates before us may not come the way we envisioned or expected, but he will never leave us.

As I embark on a new year in my life, both in age and in time, I have been thrown into a deeper space of thought on life and self. Somewhere between current life circumstances and the desires of my heart, I am caught trying to navigate these two very different worlds. I wish I could say that at minimum I've found some sort of acceptable balance between these areas, but that would be a lie. Instead, I feel I'm caught in the two steps forward, three steps back cycle, with current circumstances taking precedence over the vision I believe God has created for my life. More often than not, faith seems like a fleeting concept. Both my body and my heart are weary. The "Lord, something's gotta give because this isn't working" conversation seems to permeate many of my talks with God.

Everyone's holy grail looks different. For Indy, the holy grail was literal. For others, it may be more dire circumstances- jobs, homes, health, addiction. For me, I am searching for permanence, stability, freedom, a place to belong and be, a home and family (in multiple senses of those words), a place to love and be loved- I'm searching to put an end to those cycles in the lives of both myself and my family that seem to keep us from living in the fullness of life God has for us. From childhood, I was taught that "faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Now, the question becomes, do I have the faith to take the leap of faith and trust that despite circumstances, fears, and obstacles, Christ will always make a way and answer prayer?

Am I ready to take the leap of faith?