I am most proud of being me.
I don't say it to sound conceited, but I am pretty awesome, and I'm very proud of that.
Why do I say this? Let's go over some stats:
-Child of a single mother
-Grew up without a father (or real male influence for that matter)
-Welfare kid raised mostly in NYC housing
-Have taken on a great amount of responsibility from a young age
-Graduated from one of the top schools in the city (as well as the country)
-I have my bachelors, and masters, and have been working in my profession since 23.
Based on my humble beginnings, there's a lot of places I should've ended up. The statistics were not in my favor to achieve what I have done in this almost 27 years of life (...and we all know what the stats say I should be doing with my life). But, by the grace of God and having a strong mother, grandmother, and various teachers over the years who kept me on track, my narrative is different than what the outside world would have projected for me. And for that, I am extremely proud. I hope and pray that as I dive deeper into my profession and the purpose that God has for my life, that I can use my life as a testament to those coming up after me that your story doesn't have to be what the masses have made it to be. Your story can be different. It won't be easy, but its not impossible.
This is what I am most proud of. :)
Monday, December 12, 2011
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Day 16: "What If..."
One of my more "what if" life questions has been what if I grew up with my father's side of the family? I didn't actually meet my father until I was 18. On Mother's Day 2003, I looked in the phone book and the second number I called was him. I met my younger sister in 2005, some of my older cousins and aunt in 2010, and my brothers, step mother and more cousins this year. The more family I meet, the more I wonder how different my life would have been if they had been there the whole time instead of now.
The one person I've always wanted to meet but I don't know if I'll ever get the chance to is my grandmother. When I went to my cousin's Labor Day BBQ this year, I was around a bunch of people who had known my grandma in some capacity and so many said that I remind them of her. It was bittersweet for me because I have absolutely no connection to her and didn't actually see a picture of her for the first time until this year. I wonder if I would've been grandma's little girl since I was the only girl for the longest time? Would she have taught me Spanish and about my Cuban culture and other traditions?
My flights of "what if" fancy clearly focus on the positive side of things of being involved in this loving family and having this great support system helping in my child-rearing. But only God knows if that would've been the case. Not knowing them might have been better than actually being raised in the messiness of family drama. There's no guarantee that they would've even accepted me into the family? ...or that there would have been no drama between my mom, dad, and the family. Considering that I wasn't raised with much family on my mom's side of the family, I wonder if I would have been more secure in having a family structure, which would have made me more secure in who I was, despite the craziness of life during my childhood and adolescence.
I could go on and on with what if's, but instead I've chosen to take the opportunity I have now to get to know my family and pray that although we've missed out in much of each others lives to this point, that we can create our own family bond that didn't happen because of whatever reasons as we were growing up. I'm very much hopeful in that. :)
The one person I've always wanted to meet but I don't know if I'll ever get the chance to is my grandmother. When I went to my cousin's Labor Day BBQ this year, I was around a bunch of people who had known my grandma in some capacity and so many said that I remind them of her. It was bittersweet for me because I have absolutely no connection to her and didn't actually see a picture of her for the first time until this year. I wonder if I would've been grandma's little girl since I was the only girl for the longest time? Would she have taught me Spanish and about my Cuban culture and other traditions?
My flights of "what if" fancy clearly focus on the positive side of things of being involved in this loving family and having this great support system helping in my child-rearing. But only God knows if that would've been the case. Not knowing them might have been better than actually being raised in the messiness of family drama. There's no guarantee that they would've even accepted me into the family? ...or that there would have been no drama between my mom, dad, and the family. Considering that I wasn't raised with much family on my mom's side of the family, I wonder if I would have been more secure in having a family structure, which would have made me more secure in who I was, despite the craziness of life during my childhood and adolescence.
I could go on and on with what if's, but instead I've chosen to take the opportunity I have now to get to know my family and pray that although we've missed out in much of each others lives to this point, that we can create our own family bond that didn't happen because of whatever reasons as we were growing up. I'm very much hopeful in that. :)
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Day 15: My Zodiac/Horoscope
Today's horoscope according to msn.com
"You should be at your peak of health. Physically, you feel strong and energetic. You're in the physical and mental space to accomplish wonders, so don't be surprised if today you do just that. This could bring you the promise of a brighter future in the creative, professional, and financial domains."
Let's see,,, Since I can't remember the last time I had a full 8 hours of sleep, and I've been fighting the urge to gag on and off for much of the day, I wouldn't say that I'm feeling strong or energetic by any means. Mentally, I've been reflecting on a few things which has led me to be fully aware of my awesome. I'm definitely rocking a big ego right now lol. Maybe the "mental space to accomplish wonders" is on the horizon, but right now I'm just trying to get through Friday.
"You should be at your peak of health. Physically, you feel strong and energetic. You're in the physical and mental space to accomplish wonders, so don't be surprised if today you do just that. This could bring you the promise of a brighter future in the creative, professional, and financial domains."
Let's see,,, Since I can't remember the last time I had a full 8 hours of sleep, and I've been fighting the urge to gag on and off for much of the day, I wouldn't say that I'm feeling strong or energetic by any means. Mentally, I've been reflecting on a few things which has led me to be fully aware of my awesome. I'm definitely rocking a big ego right now lol. Maybe the "mental space to accomplish wonders" is on the horizon, but right now I'm just trying to get through Friday.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Day 14: What I Wore Today
Today was definitely not one of my high fashion days. I wore a purple shirt with gray dress pants and a black sweater. And in a move to be super comfortable, I wore my brown and yellow pumas. Yup, comfort over fashion was the name of the game today.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Thoughts on Love
This weekend was largely a cerebral weekend. I generally hate to admit how lost in my own thoughts and emotions I can become. But it's important to take the time to evaluate and re-evaluate the events of and my personal thoughts and feelings regarding the things going on in my life. My Jesus Journal Time (which I definitely need to take more of) brought me to everyone's favorite chapter on love, 1 Corinthians 13. I first read it in NIV, but then something in me wanted to read it in The Message. Mind you, I generally don't like that version of the Bible. But, I have to say I was pleasantly surprised on how much I needed to read those particular words.
"I'm bankrupt without love."
I love love. I love loving, being loved, and being in love. There was a long period in my life where I wouldn't have even thought to utter such a statement, largely based on being hurt so many times in the past. I eventually came to terms with the fact that when God created me, he created a lover and a servant. Since that point, I have made it part of my life to just love, serve, and develop meaningful relationships with the people around me. It hasn't been easy though. To love truly and deeply is to be vulnerable and transparent- things that I most times don't want to be because it always runs the risk of ending in hurt and rejection. It's for those reasons that I don't use the term "love" lightly.
This is why recent conversations and issues regarding community, friendship, and romantic relationship have been difficult for me to grapple. Within these conversations, I've had to realize that my brand of love and relationship doesn't match the words and actions of many. Arriving to this realization has been the result of the sadness, anger, and confusion that comes along with rejection, as well as the joy, fulfillment and contentment that comes with acceptance. I've definitely been more discouraged lately and have questioned why it just seems to terribly hard to love and be loved by another, just simply because God has created before me a person who deserves to be loved not because of who they could be, but rather because of who they are.
"Love never gives up."
Throwing in the towel has seemed like a great option as of late because my heart has become quite weary. I don't claim to be perfect by any means, but when genuine thought and good intention is met with indifference or rejection, its hard to muster the desire to keep going. Its in those times that God has a great way of reminding me of the great individuals I have in my life who have invested the time and effort to know me and love me for all of the layers and complexities that make me who I am, rather than who I am perceived to be. Having the opportunity to invest and be invested in another has been a beautiful journey that I wouldn't trade for anything. I still struggle, and question, and wrestle with trying to understand why things have turned out the way they have in some areas of my life. So many times I just want God to illuminate the path and time to when things will look differently. But until such time, I must continue love wholeheartedly, and hope and trust in the vision and promise that I believe God has for my life and those who will be part of it.
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12We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us! 13But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love."
1 Corinthians 13:12-13 (The Message)
"I'm bankrupt without love."
I love love. I love loving, being loved, and being in love. There was a long period in my life where I wouldn't have even thought to utter such a statement, largely based on being hurt so many times in the past. I eventually came to terms with the fact that when God created me, he created a lover and a servant. Since that point, I have made it part of my life to just love, serve, and develop meaningful relationships with the people around me. It hasn't been easy though. To love truly and deeply is to be vulnerable and transparent- things that I most times don't want to be because it always runs the risk of ending in hurt and rejection. It's for those reasons that I don't use the term "love" lightly.
This is why recent conversations and issues regarding community, friendship, and romantic relationship have been difficult for me to grapple. Within these conversations, I've had to realize that my brand of love and relationship doesn't match the words and actions of many. Arriving to this realization has been the result of the sadness, anger, and confusion that comes along with rejection, as well as the joy, fulfillment and contentment that comes with acceptance. I've definitely been more discouraged lately and have questioned why it just seems to terribly hard to love and be loved by another, just simply because God has created before me a person who deserves to be loved not because of who they could be, but rather because of who they are.
"Love never gives up."
Throwing in the towel has seemed like a great option as of late because my heart has become quite weary. I don't claim to be perfect by any means, but when genuine thought and good intention is met with indifference or rejection, its hard to muster the desire to keep going. Its in those times that God has a great way of reminding me of the great individuals I have in my life who have invested the time and effort to know me and love me for all of the layers and complexities that make me who I am, rather than who I am perceived to be. Having the opportunity to invest and be invested in another has been a beautiful journey that I wouldn't trade for anything. I still struggle, and question, and wrestle with trying to understand why things have turned out the way they have in some areas of my life. So many times I just want God to illuminate the path and time to when things will look differently. But until such time, I must continue love wholeheartedly, and hope and trust in the vision and promise that I believe God has for my life and those who will be part of it.
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12We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us! 13But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love."
1 Corinthians 13:12-13 (The Message)
Day 13: Body Image
So today's question is how do I feel about my body? Admittedly that's a tricky topic, especially since I'm a female. It feels like its almost instinctive that no matter what we look like, we find a flaw about ourselves to harp on. I could give a list of my imperfections and provide you with my wishlist of "I'd look so much better if"... but I'd rather take a different approach.
I think that I ampretty beautiful both inside and out. I haven't been always able to say that. In fact, its only at this stage of my life that I'm actually able to say with more conviction that I think I'm pretty awesome. I grew up with a slew of body image issues. I was too tall, too heavy, my hair wasn't straight enough, too dark, ...whatever. I was definitely the kid who was picked on because of my size and shape. And for the longest time, I believed the "hype." Now I look at pictures and realize that I was a bad mother shut your mouth! Shoot, I wish I looked now how I did then lol!
What didn't help me then (or now) is the fact that there aren't enough images in our media and society that affirm natural beauty, especially for black women. I would be and still get discouraged when I can't find stylish clothes or shoes that fit me well. Or, you hear guys refer to women with certain characteristics as beautiful and desirable. What about me...? Who wouldn't want a positive outer affirmation of their thoughts of their own beauty or handsomeness.
To stay that today I am 100% comfortable with my body would be a lie. I definitely would like to lose weight, but for both aesthetic and health reasons, especially since this is probably my heaviest weight to date. I need to put the team chubb chubb lite revolution in full effect. And yes, I do have those days where the murmurs of my imperfections seem to be more audible than the voice of my true beauty. But, for the first time in my life, I can look in the mirror and say, "hey you over there, you're a looker!" That's a feeling that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world.
I think that I am
What didn't help me then (or now) is the fact that there aren't enough images in our media and society that affirm natural beauty, especially for black women. I would be and still get discouraged when I can't find stylish clothes or shoes that fit me well. Or, you hear guys refer to women with certain characteristics as beautiful and desirable. What about me...? Who wouldn't want a positive outer affirmation of their thoughts of their own beauty or handsomeness.
To stay that today I am 100% comfortable with my body would be a lie. I definitely would like to lose weight, but for both aesthetic and health reasons, especially since this is probably my heaviest weight to date. I need to put the team chubb chubb lite revolution in full effect. And yes, I do have those days where the murmurs of my imperfections seem to be more audible than the voice of my true beauty. But, for the first time in my life, I can look in the mirror and say, "hey you over there, you're a looker!" That's a feeling that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Surrender
At this point of my life, I've been confronted time and time again with the experiences of my past, the circumstances of my present, and the desires of my future. When a few years ago, time seemed limitless, now time seems to be closing in. Life decisions have bigger consequences, and the stakes are much higher. For a while now, I've been in a state of limbo, battling past, present and future, and finding myself stuck in a place of apathy and rebellion. In my present, I want to rebel against my past, which is full of lack, sacrifice, and denying myself and my desires and needs for others. Yet, care and concern for the other is the very thing that God placed in my heart for his purpose for my life. So, its all made me quite apathetic to many things. I'd rather not deal with it and be self-indulgent than put that time in to be responsible and responsive. In reality, its just left me running in circles leading nowhere. And besides, ignoring the pink elephant in the room doesn't mean it goes away. It grows until you have no choice but to deal with it.
I find myself at the crossroads of continuing on this path of slow destruction, or choosing to confront these places and surrender them to Christ. Yet, its amazing how our minds can be tricked into believing that we can carry our crosses by ourselves, and leave Christ and community out of the equation. Too much time has been given to running, Its now time to take that energy, that time, to spending it with Christ, to reignite the love affair, to bring light to all of these deep, dark places and say and honestly mean Lord, I surrender all.
9.30.11
Surrender means
letting go of control
To let those things that are not of You die
So that I might live as a new creature in you
Surrender is
giving into the idea of the unknown
Because there is comfort in the cross I see before me
than the unknown gift ahead of me
Surrender is
saying let our will be done on earth as it is in heaven
and mean it.
It means being honest
with myself
and you
so that we can be together
My life intertwined with your will
My desires, my fears, my control
broken so that you ay be deeper rooted within me
Lord, I desire more of you,
but fear clouds my line of sight.
Lord I need you
for I am broken.
Father save me.
Fill me.
Comfort me.
Protect me.
Walk with me.
Remind me that I am still your child,
The hand of your creation.
I find myself at the crossroads of continuing on this path of slow destruction, or choosing to confront these places and surrender them to Christ. Yet, its amazing how our minds can be tricked into believing that we can carry our crosses by ourselves, and leave Christ and community out of the equation. Too much time has been given to running, Its now time to take that energy, that time, to spending it with Christ, to reignite the love affair, to bring light to all of these deep, dark places and say and honestly mean Lord, I surrender all.
9.30.11
Surrender means
letting go of control
To let those things that are not of You die
So that I might live as a new creature in you
Surrender is
giving into the idea of the unknown
Because there is comfort in the cross I see before me
than the unknown gift ahead of me
Surrender is
saying let our will be done on earth as it is in heaven
and mean it.
It means being honest
with myself
and you
so that we can be together
My life intertwined with your will
My desires, my fears, my control
broken so that you ay be deeper rooted within me
Lord, I desire more of you,
but fear clouds my line of sight.
Lord I need you
for I am broken.
Father save me.
Fill me.
Comfort me.
Protect me.
Walk with me.
Remind me that I am still your child,
The hand of your creation.