On Being Unemployed

My last day of work was June 26, 2013.
I packed up my classroom for the last time and said goodbye to my beloved students and colleagues. Just two days prior, I told my students that I would not be returning the next year. I myself was told just a week prior that I was being terminated. Not coming back to my school was something that wasn't a surprise to me based on the rapport between administration and myself. I had already been looking for jobs at other schools for the last two months. But not being able to teach- that was a crushing blow. My students and close colleagues didn't take the news well. Much of it was met with sadness, anger, and disbelief. For my students, they simply couldn't understand why one of their favorite teachers was no longer going to be with them. And for my close colleagues, why someone who worked so well with the students was being stripped of their license. There were hugs and tears. And in the final quiet moments of cleaning out my classroom of the last two years, the rush of feelings that come when one suffers great loss. It just didn't seem real.

Three weeks later, I received notice that my superintendent was upholding the decision of my principal (which wasn't a surprise). My next step was to prepare for my appeal which surprisingly was set for early September. Some of my students and former colleagues wrote letters on my behalf, telling the committee of the type of teacher I was, and the impact I had on them and the school. It was a long shot, but I wouldn't go down without a fight. Early October, I received the final decision in the mail- appeal denied.
Five years of teaching, four years of satisfactory service, two schools, clean personnel file, the career that I wanted from childhood- gone.

At first, the process didn't seem real. The first time I had to truly come face to face with my new reality was the beginning of August. I happened to stop at a Staples to pick up hand sanitizer, and found myself quickly fighting back tears. The excitement of a new school year and new students, obsessing over the right supplies, new classroom decorations, and spending the last days of my summer prepping for the year was no longer part of my reality. Who knew that the sight of office supplies could reduce a grown woman to tears...

I've currently been unemployed for a little over six months. The reality of being unemployed didn't really set in until the end of August, and the finality of the situation until the beginning of October. During this time, there has been tears, anger, anxiety, frustration, and depression. I've had many moments where I've questioned God numerous times- why this? Why now? Why can't things be different?... questions that top a long list of other questions. I spend my days following the same routine- combing job search engines looking for potential opportunities, constantly tweaking my resume and cover letter in the hopes that I can make it more appealing and effective, and researching organizations and companies so I can be the most prepared to send out my resume and possibly interview. It's a processes I jokingly refer to as my world domination strategy.
Job searching is a full-time, and often times draining process!

While I've had to take time to mourn the loss of what once was, this period has allowed me the time to prepare for what can be. In many respects, this time has been a blessing in disguise. I've had the courage to pursue a career move that I've dreamed of for a while. I've had the time to become involved in activities that previously would've been impossible to juggle with work. I've had the chance to reacquaint myself with some of the things that I love, like writing and music, or simply the pleasure of doing nothing. I've had the opportunity to see other sides of myself, stretch the limits of my abilities, discover new interests, meet new people, and create new dreams. I've had the space to explore who I am, what I've been through, and where I want to go. And quite honestly, I've had the time to simply rest- mind, body, and soul. Some of my students still contact me to tell me how much they miss me. It always makes me smile. 
Each day has been a journey in accepting what is, fighting for what can be, and loving self beyond the realm of job titles and worldly possessions. Each day has truly been an exercise in learning to worry less and trust Him more.

As of January 7, 2014, I'm still unemployed. But unlike a year ago, six months ago, three months ago, my outlook is different. I still have tough moments, but those are fewer and further in between. I know that my circumstances are only temporary, and I trust that God will fulfill what he has placed in my heart.