This New Year, I'm beginning the day with an apology.
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Recently, I've been talking with a friend about the idea of writing love notes to self. Admittedly, love notes are one of those things I love about being in love. Whether its added inside of a thoughtful card, endearingly written as a letter, or scribbled on a post-it note, I really love them. There's something that's just so beautiful about being able to read and carry the words of someone pouring out their love for you. Then again, I'm also pretty sentimental when it comes to such things.
A few days ago, I came across two cards from an old love while cleaning. I didn't read the cards specifically, but it did get me thinking about the power of love letters. When you truly love someone (and this doesn't necessarily have to be romantic love), the words have a tendency to flow quite easily. You already have a list of reasons why you appreciate and care for that person. In fact, your difficulty might not be finding words, but rather finding the right words, or not writing in abundance. Then maybe again, that's just me.
Finding these old cards got me thinking and reflecting about love letters, being in love, and self. It's been a while since I've received such a note or letter. In a recent discussions about love and self, I was challenged to write a love letter to myself. Why? Because there are times where we need to be reminded how awesome and amazing we are through one's own eyes. In a culture where we're constantly bombarded with messages of I'd be better person if my hair was longer, waist was slimmer, pockets were fuller, skin was lighter, darker or what have you, there are times where we need to stop and appreciate ourselves simply for who we are and not who we wish we could be. Yet, often times, those loving words to self are more difficult to write than those for someone else.
So Monday, I started writing, and quickly realized that before I could write a love letter, I had to apologize to myself. Why, you may be asking again? Because I've been neglectful of self. I've ignored and pushed away certain inner aspects of myself in order to chase outer goals. I'll start writing again when... I'll take better care of my health when... I'll have more time to be creative when... I'll love myself more when...
The problem with living in maybe's and when's is that you never truly live in the present, because you're too preoccupied chasing a future that is not guaranteed.
I let the achiever take precedence over the dreamer.
One is not more important than the other. They have a symbiotic relationship that I have not taken the time to truly nurture. The goal driven achiever needs the dreamer to help them see the world that exists along and beyond the periphery of their forward trajectory. The dreamer needs the achiever to center them after their flights of fancy so that they can progress onward. They need one another, and I'm quite guilty of neglecting that fact.
My next goal is to work on this love letter project, not just as a creative exercise, but as a way of life.
What do you love most about yourself? In what areas do you owe self an apology?
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My Apology (excerpt)
You remind me to rest as much as I work
to slow down and pray when my heart hurts
to savor the last bite of my favorite taste
that it's okay for life to go at my own pace
that the antidote to sad days is found in simply going outside to play
that it's okay to go and play
that sometimes you need to put off to tomorrow what you can do today
that music is my refuge so don't be afraid to sing in and out of tune
that my words are my soul song
so write as much as and often as my heart desires to
that I need silence and solitude to reflect and reconnect
to accept the fact that I am made perfectly imperfect
to know that the struggles of the past do not have to define my present or future
that I cannot live a day without humor
that the achiever cannot survive without the dreamer.
You remind me that the end is never more important than the journey.
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