Thoughts on Love

This weekend was largely a cerebral weekend. I generally hate to admit how lost in my own thoughts and emotions I can become. But it's important to take the time to evaluate and re-evaluate the events of and my personal thoughts and feelings regarding the things going on in my life. My Jesus Journal Time (which I definitely need to take more of) brought me to everyone's favorite chapter on love, 1 Corinthians 13. I first read it in NIV, but then something in me wanted to read it in The Message. Mind you, I generally don't like that version of the Bible. But, I have to say I was pleasantly surprised on how much I needed to read those particular words.

"I'm bankrupt without love."

I love love. I love loving, being loved, and being in love. There was a long period in my life where I wouldn't have even thought to utter such a statement, largely based on being hurt so many times in the past. I eventually came to terms with the fact that when God created me, he created a lover and a servant.  Since that point, I have made it part of my life to just love, serve, and develop meaningful relationships with the people around me. It hasn't been easy though. To love truly and deeply is to be vulnerable and transparent- things that I most times don't want to be because it always runs the risk of ending in hurt and rejection. It's for those reasons that I don't use the term "love" lightly.

This is why recent conversations and issues regarding community, friendship, and romantic relationship have been difficult for me to grapple. Within these conversations, I've had to realize that my brand of love and relationship doesn't match the words and actions of many. Arriving to this realization has been the result of the sadness, anger, and confusion that comes along with rejection, as well as the joy, fulfillment and contentment that comes with acceptance. I've definitely been more discouraged lately and have questioned why it just seems to terribly hard to love and be loved by another, just simply because God has created before me a person who deserves to be loved not because of who they could be, but rather because of who they are.

"Love never gives up."

Throwing in the towel has seemed like a great option as of late because my heart has become quite weary. I don't claim to be perfect by any means, but when genuine thought and good intention is met with indifference or rejection, its hard to muster the desire to keep going. Its in those times that God has a great way of reminding me of the great individuals I have in my life who have invested the time and effort to know me and love me for all of the layers and complexities that make me who I am, rather than who I am perceived to be. Having the opportunity to invest and be invested in another has been a beautiful journey that I wouldn't trade for anything. I still struggle, and question, and wrestle with trying to understand why things have turned out the way they have in some areas of my life. So many times I just want God to illuminate the path and time to when things will look differently. But until such time, I must continue love wholeheartedly, and hope and trust in the vision and promise that I believe God has for my life and those who will be part of it.

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¹²We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!    ¹³But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love."
1 Corinthians 13:12-13 (The Message)

Day 13: Body Image

So today's question is how do I feel about my body? Admittedly that's a tricky topic, especially since I'm a female. It feels like its almost instinctive that no matter what we look like, we find a flaw about ourselves to harp on. I could give a list of my imperfections and provide you with my wishlist of "I'd look so much better if"... but I'd rather take a different approach.

I think that I am pretty beautiful both inside and out. I haven't been always able to say that. In fact, its only at this stage of my life that I'm actually able to say with more conviction that I think I'm pretty awesome. I grew up with a slew of body image issues. I was too tall, too heavy, my hair wasn't straight enough, too dark, ...whatever. I was definitely the kid who was picked on because of my size and shape. And for the longest time, I believed the "hype." Now I look at pictures and realize that I was a bad mother shut your mouth! Shoot, I wish I looked now how I did then lol!

What didn't help me then (or now) is the fact that there aren't enough images in our media and society that affirm natural beauty, especially for black women. I would be and still get discouraged when I can't find stylish clothes or shoes that fit me well. Or, you hear guys refer to women with certain characteristics as beautiful and desirable. What about me...? Who wouldn't want a positive outer affirmation of their thoughts of their own beauty or handsomeness.

To stay that today I am 100% comfortable with my body would be a lie. I definitely would like to lose weight, but for both aesthetic and health reasons, especially since this is probably my heaviest weight to date. I need to put the team chubb chubb lite revolution in full effect. And yes, I do have those days where the murmurs of my imperfections seem to be more audible than the voice of my true beauty. But, for the first time in my life, I can look in the mirror and say, "hey you over there, you're a looker!" That's a feeling that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world.

Surrender

At this point of my life, I've been confronted time and time again with the experiences of my past, the circumstances of my present, and the desires of my future. When a few years ago, time seemed limitless, now time seems to be closing in. Life decisions have bigger consequences, and the stakes are much higher. For a while now, I've been in a state of limbo, battling past, present and future, and finding myself stuck in a place of apathy and rebellion. In my present, I want to rebel against my past, which is full of lack, sacrifice, and denying myself and my desires and needs for others. Yet, care and concern for the other is the very thing that God placed in my heart for his purpose for my life. So, its all made me quite apathetic to many things. I'd rather not deal with it and be self-indulgent than put that time in to be responsible and responsive. In reality, its just left me running in circles leading nowhere. And besides, ignoring the pink elephant in the room doesn't mean it goes away. It grows until you have no choice but to deal with it.

I find myself at the crossroads of continuing on this path of slow destruction, or choosing to confront these places and surrender them to Christ. Yet, its amazing how our minds can be tricked into believing that we can carry our crosses by ourselves, and leave Christ and community out of the equation. Too much time has been given to running, Its now time to take that energy, that time, to spending it with Christ, to reignite the love affair, to bring light to all of these deep, dark places and say and honestly mean Lord, I surrender all.


9.30.11
Surrender means
letting go of control
To let those things that are not of You die
So that I might live as a new creature in you
Surrender is
giving into the idea of the unknown
Because there is comfort in the cross I see before me
than the unknown gift ahead of me
Surrender is
saying let our will be done on earth as it is in heaven
and mean it.
It means being honest
with myself
and you
so that we can be together
My life intertwined with your will
My desires, my fears, my control
broken so that you ay be deeper rooted within me
Lord, I desire more of you,
but fear clouds my line of sight.
Lord I need you
for I am broken.
Father save me.
Fill me.
Comfort me.
Protect me.
Walk with me.
Remind me that I am still your child,
The hand of your creation.

Day 12: Five Guys I Find Attractive

I want to preface this post with the fact that I have a great appreciation for "man candy." =P

Here they are in no particular order:

1) Shia LaBeouf

2) Lance Gross

3) Common

4) Laz Alonso

 5) Paul Rudd

Day 11: Mi Familia

The word family is still an unfolding definition for me. 

I am the oldest of five- two brothers and a sister from my father, and a sister from my mom. 

In a nutshell, family = complicated in both the family tree and the relationship sense.

Both my mother and father have very distant family dynamics.
My mom is African-American and was raised as an only child. On my mother's side, I don't know my grandfather and most of my cousins on my grandmother's side live out of state. Hence, I was not raised with them.
My father Cuban & Bajan and is the youngest of 4. I didn't meet my father until I was 18, and only now at 26 am I actually meeting members of his side of the family, like my brothers, step-mom, cousins, etc. He is also not very connected with his family.

Its only in the past few months of greater interaction with my father's side of the family that I realize that my working definition of what is family is very much limited. I don't know what it functionally looks like, and how to maneuver in it. This is due to 1) having non-existent relationships with extended family, and 2) being met with great responsibility within my family unit. I'm in the process of trying to build relationship with the members of my family on both sides, right now more so on my father's side since I don't know them at all, as opposed to my mom's side where we at least know one another as family, though distant.

My family experiences definitely warrant some sessions on Dr. Phil's couch. Its been a a hard road trying to reconcile the desire for family, the desire for present parents, family stability, sisterhood, sibling relationship... with the reality of what I know and have experienced, with the massive back story that shapes and explains why things are the way they are.

My hope for the future with my family is that relationships can be created, mended, rectified, strengthened, deepened, and unified. In many respects this leaves me as the one to keep people connected (particularly on my mom's side). I can only hope and pray that I don't pass on the same experiences to my future family and children because it certainly isn't easy.

Day 10: Do the Ipod Shuffle

1. The Temptations- Just My Imagination
2. Carlos Santana- Nothing At All (Feat. Musiq)
3. Mariah Carey- Fantasy
4. Mariah Carey- Dream Lover
5. Aaliyah- 4 Page Letter
6. Kirk Whalum- Falling In Love With Jesus
7. Kelly Price- This is Who I Am
8. Destiny's Child- Lose My Breath
9. Jill Scott- Cross My Mind
10. Beyonce- Check On It (Club Mix)

Day 9: Importance of Education

Today is August 31st, which for many signals the end of the summer vacation, and the beginning of a new school year. This year for me is particularly different since I am starting at a new school teaching 11st grade US History, Advisory and an elective course which I'm trying to make into a spoken word class. Its a bittersweet moment- the gaining of new opportunities but the loss of the familiarity and relationships that came with my old job. I'm going to miss my students; the chance to guide them to graduation and beyond, to see them grow and mature, to guide them through the day to day... I miss my babies. I don't regret my decision to leave, but it doesn't make it an easy one by any means.

This new opportunity affords me the chance to further educate myself, develop, and grow within this profession, as well as work with a group of students who don't have the same opportunities as my last group of students. I know I'll develop new relationships, and have new "babies", and God-willing have the opportunity to impact new lives. Teaching is not just a job for me, it is the chance to breathe life into each body that sits in my classroom, life through education.

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Education is imperative. It is a non-negotiable. It is the prerequisite to the rest of one's life. Education or the lack thereof can open windows or slam doors shut. Growing up, education, specifically college was a non-option. It wasn't something that I was beaten over the head with. Rather, it was a matter-of-fact reality of life. Watching shows like The Cosby Show and A Different World made college seem exciting and desirable. Knowing my mother and grandmother's sacrifices to be college educated showed me the importance of education. Admittedly, it makes it difficult to truly grasp why college, let alone high school, becomes an "option" in this day and age. A bachelor's degree has become the new high school diploma. There are jobs out there today that won't even look at you if you don't have a master's degree.

A large part of the reason as to why I teach and form the relationships I create with my students is because I know how important education is. I teach not just for my students to learn a set of facts, but to also learn about life and themselves. I form personal relationships with them in the hopes of making my "product" relevant to their lives. Education broadens not just your opportunities, but your perspective in life. It challenges you. It stretches you. It makes you a more well-rounded person if you let it. So in my conversations with my students, I work to show them how the point A of education can get them to point B, the rest of their lives. I understand that traditional college may not be for everyone, but you have to at minimum graduate high school and pursue some sort of career training outside of high school. 

Its because of the importance of a college degree that college should be a lot cheaper here in the states. (another conversation for another time...)

As I prepare to embark on another school year, I am reflective on the importance of education, and what methodologies I can use to bring this knowledge and realization to my classroom. Wish me luck.