The Battle of the Bulge

There aren't many pictures of me as a baby. The few that are around show a beautiful baby, bubbling over with baby fat rolls and chubby cheeks. I was a well-fed chunky baby. 

I guess you can say I've been a member of Team Chubb Chubb since birth. 

I grew out of some of my baby fat by the time I became of school age. I still wasn't thin, but I did look a little more normal. It didn't help that around the same time, I moved upstate New York to live with my grandmother. With her, my diet largely consisted of McDonald's and other fast foods. And with soul food being the heart of southern cooking, home-cooked meals were often not very healthy. Dinner plates were met with generous helpings and offers for more food. More food = more love. 

When I moved back to Brooklyn in the second grade, I indulged in my mom's post pregnancy food cravings and binges. I began to pack on more weight. Being tall, heavy, and outside of the social loop made me a prime target for years of incessant teasing (bullying honestly). And kids, well they can be quite cruel.

As I hit adolescence, I began to lose weight again, largely due to poor eating habits (not eating), stress, and having gym four days a week in high school. Also, running up and down seven to eight flights of steps over and over each day helped. I still wasn't thin, but I was a lot better than in previous years. It was hard for me to see the difference- clothes shopping was still difficult. Juniors sizes were still too small, or just hard to come by. So I hid behind baggy t-shirts and jeans. 

In college, the scale began to creep up. 180... 190... 200... 210... 220... By the time I finished grad school in 2008, I was about 230lbs. With the stress of entering teaching and a break-up, I got down to 206lbs without blinking. Once again it was due to, bad eating habits (again, not eating), and stress. But it didn't take long for the scale to creep up again. Food became my reward for long days, happy moments, sad periods, and boredom. I slowly made my way to around 240lbs. 

Then in late October 2011, I was rear-ended on my way to work. Months of back, knee, shoulder, and ankle pain brought me up to at least 260lbs (I stayed away from scales for a while). I see pictures of myself at that time and wonder what happened to me? Its not that during these last few years I wasn't conscious about my weight. I had numerous gym attempts and moments of dietary health- they just never stuck. 

By the middle of 2012, I told myself that I can no longer continue to neglect myself like this- I have to take control. It started a with a few attempts to walk and jog with Black Girls Run in Prospect Park after a co-worker introduced me to the group, and some outings to the gym with another co-worker. One move to NJ later, it became planning my meals and snacks, and making attempts to go to the gym, taking the stairs instead of the elevator, drinking more water... things like that. Once I moved back to NYC in 2013, it became taking to the track to walk and jog, and joining my church's running group to exercise, and for my 29th birthday, promising myself to make this the year of putting an end to inconsistent attempts and just going for it. It's time to make my health and weight my priority. 

This week will make a month of consistently going to the gym, and so far I have an 8lb loss to show for it. In a little over a year, I'm down 25lbs. Less weight has meant less pressure on my knees, which means they rarely hurt now. Clothes that used to be too tight are starting to fit, and some things have become a little too loose. A year ago, I couldn't jog on the treadmill for more than 2 minutes without being exhausted. During the fall, I jogged for almost an hour without having to stop to walk or rest, and jog on the treadmill at least three days a week. Ten minutes on the elliptical was like murder. Now I do it for thirty minutes after my first thirty minutes of gym cardio. Even in inconsistency, there has still been a lot of progress. 

My goal this year- to be comfortably in "onderland"- to meet 30 healthier than I've been in years, and challenge myself to be disciplined in a way that I've never truly been. 

I share this publicly because quite simply, accountability doesn't happen in secret. There will be days that I don't want to exercise, times where the temptation of cravings will cloud my judgement, and discouragement will try to consume me. I'm looking to my community to help keep me in check. And so far, you have. 

So in this battle of the bulge, I plan on coming out victorious.

On Being Unemployed

My last day of work was June 26, 2013.
I packed up my classroom for the last time and said goodbye to my beloved students and colleagues. Just two days prior, I told my students that I would not be returning the next year. I myself was told just a week prior that I was being terminated. Not coming back to my school was something that wasn't a surprise to me based on the rapport between administration and myself. I had already been looking for jobs at other schools for the last two months. But not being able to teach- that was a crushing blow. My students and close colleagues didn't take the news well. Much of it was met with sadness, anger, and disbelief. For my students, they simply couldn't understand why one of their favorite teachers was no longer going to be with them. And for my close colleagues, why someone who worked so well with the students was being stripped of their license. There were hugs and tears. And in the final quiet moments of cleaning out my classroom of the last two years, the rush of feelings that come when one suffers great loss. It just didn't seem real.

Three weeks later, I received notice that my superintendent was upholding the decision of my principal (which wasn't a surprise). My next step was to prepare for my appeal which surprisingly was set for early September. Some of my students and former colleagues wrote letters on my behalf, telling the committee of the type of teacher I was, and the impact I had on them and the school. It was a long shot, but I wouldn't go down without a fight. Early October, I received the final decision in the mail- appeal denied.
Five years of teaching, four years of satisfactory service, two schools, clean personnel file, the career that I wanted from childhood- gone.

At first, the process didn't seem real. The first time I had to truly come face to face with my new reality was the beginning of August. I happened to stop at a Staples to pick up hand sanitizer, and found myself quickly fighting back tears. The excitement of a new school year and new students, obsessing over the right supplies, new classroom decorations, and spending the last days of my summer prepping for the year was no longer part of my reality. Who knew that the sight of office supplies could reduce a grown woman to tears...

I've currently been unemployed for a little over six months. The reality of being unemployed didn't really set in until the end of August, and the finality of the situation until the beginning of October. During this time, there has been tears, anger, anxiety, frustration, and depression. I've had many moments where I've questioned God numerous times- why this? Why now? Why can't things be different?... questions that top a long list of other questions. I spend my days following the same routine- combing job search engines looking for potential opportunities, constantly tweaking my resume and cover letter in the hopes that I can make it more appealing and effective, and researching organizations and companies so I can be the most prepared to send out my resume and possibly interview. It's a processes I jokingly refer to as my world domination strategy.
Job searching is a full-time, and often times draining process!

While I've had to take time to mourn the loss of what once was, this period has allowed me the time to prepare for what can be. In many respects, this time has been a blessing in disguise. I've had the courage to pursue a career move that I've dreamed of for a while. I've had the time to become involved in activities that previously would've been impossible to juggle with work. I've had the chance to reacquaint myself with some of the things that I love, like writing and music, or simply the pleasure of doing nothing. I've had the opportunity to see other sides of myself, stretch the limits of my abilities, discover new interests, meet new people, and create new dreams. I've had the space to explore who I am, what I've been through, and where I want to go. And quite honestly, I've had the time to simply rest- mind, body, and soul. Some of my students still contact me to tell me how much they miss me. It always makes me smile. 
Each day has been a journey in accepting what is, fighting for what can be, and loving self beyond the realm of job titles and worldly possessions. Each day has truly been an exercise in learning to worry less and trust Him more.

As of January 7, 2014, I'm still unemployed. But unlike a year ago, six months ago, three months ago, my outlook is different. I still have tough moments, but those are fewer and further in between. I know that my circumstances are only temporary, and I trust that God will fulfill what he has placed in my heart.

The Achiever's Apology

This New Year, I'm beginning the day with an apology.

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Recently, I've been talking with a friend about the idea of writing love notes to self. Admittedly, love notes are one of those things I love about being in love. Whether its added inside of a thoughtful card, endearingly written as a letter, or scribbled on a post-it note, I really love them. There's something that's just so beautiful about being able to read and carry the words of someone pouring out their love for you. Then again, I'm also pretty sentimental when it comes to such things.

A few days ago, I came across two cards from an old love while cleaning. I didn't read the cards specifically, but it did get me thinking about the power of love letters. When you truly love someone (and this doesn't necessarily have to be romantic love), the words have a tendency to flow quite easily. You already have a list of reasons why you appreciate and care for that person. In fact, your difficulty might not be finding words, but rather finding the right words, or not writing in abundance. Then maybe again, that's just me.

Finding these old cards got me thinking and reflecting about love letters, being in love, and self. It's been a while since I've received such a note or letter. In a recent discussions about love and self, I was challenged to write a love letter to myself. Why? Because there are times where we need to be reminded how awesome and amazing we are through one's own eyes. In a culture where we're constantly bombarded with messages of I'd be better person if my hair was longer, waist was slimmer, pockets were fuller, skin was lighter, darker or what have you, there are times where we need to stop and appreciate ourselves simply for who we are and not who we wish we could be. Yet, often times, those loving words to self are more difficult to write than those for someone else.

So Monday, I started writing, and quickly realized that before I could write a love letter, I had to apologize to myself. Why, you may be asking again? Because I've been neglectful of self. I've ignored and pushed away certain inner aspects of myself in order to chase outer goals. I'll start writing again when... I'll take better care of my health when... I'll have more time to be creative when... I'll love myself more when...

The problem with living in maybe's and when's is that you never truly live in the present, because you're too preoccupied chasing a future that is not guaranteed.

I let the achiever take precedence over the dreamer.

One is not more important than the other. They have a symbiotic relationship that I have not taken the time to truly nurture. The goal driven achiever needs the dreamer to help them see the world that exists along and beyond the periphery of their forward trajectory. The dreamer needs the achiever to center them after their flights of fancy so that they can progress onward. They need one another, and I'm quite guilty of neglecting that fact.

My next goal is to work on this love letter project, not just as a creative exercise, but as a way of life.

What do you love most about yourself? In what areas do you owe self an apology?

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My Apology (excerpt)
You remind me to rest as much as I work
to slow down and pray when my heart hurts
to savor the last bite of my favorite taste
that it's okay for life to go at my own pace
that the antidote to sad days is found in simply going outside to play
that it's okay to go and play
that sometimes you need to put off to tomorrow what you can do today
that music is my refuge so don't be afraid to sing in and out of tune
that my words are my soul song
so write as much as and often as my heart desires to
that I need silence and solitude to reflect and reconnect
to accept the fact that I am made perfectly imperfect
to know that the struggles of the past do not have to define my present or future
that I cannot live a day without humor
that the achiever cannot survive without the dreamer.
You remind me that the end is never more important than the journey.

The Road Home

12/15/13
Moments of silent solitude can be
more deafening than the sounds of
the restless city during rush hour.
To be silent is to feast in the company of
your guardian angels and inner demons.
Seated at a banquet of prized moments
and inner woes, one must face the reality
of who they claim to be is only a
distorted projection of who they really are.
No wonder we spend our days
filling the silence with selfish exploits and
mindless chatter.

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The night of my pre-birthday dinner, after having such a wonderful time in the presence of people that I love dearly, I found myself in my car not wanting to go home. It's not an unusual occurrence. I have days where I take the long way home, stop for a while at the pier or park, or sit in the car after I park and take in the silence. Sometimes it's because my occasional restless nature gets the best of me. Other times, it's because the route home is the reminder that I have to pick up my cross and continue on my uphill journey. That night, I stopped at the pier and penned three short poems. Admittedly they weren't hopeful or joyous- not reflective of the food, laughter, singing and wonderful company I was just in a short hour or two before. They were about lacking faith, false realities, and inner darkness- my darkness.

Twenty-eight was full of challenges, many unexpected life challenges, down to the very end. Honestly, I don't know where I'd be if it wasn't for those individuals sitting around me in that little Cuban restaurant that evening. They each in their own way where and are Christ in the flesh- their encouragement, support, faith, prayers, hugs, love, free meals, long conversations, fun excursions- everything. And for that, I thanked them.

Yet, my heart was still heavy.

So I stopped. I wrote. I prayed. I faced my brokenness. I reflected on my gratitude. I told Him that sometimes I doubt Him. I sat in silence. I feasted at a banquet in the company of my guardian angels and my inner demons. Then, I drove home.

The heaviness I felt the previous night was but a distant memory by the next morning.

I could've gone home, feeling heavy, and distracted myself with video streaming, social media, or insert distraction here, until I dozed off. Honestly, I can't tell you what I did when I got home. But I know I felt more at peace than if I would've stifled my feelings or brushed them off.  

So, to conclude this story: embrace silence and solitude. Face your darkness. Bare the grittiness of your pain to Him. Reflect. Show gratitude. Go to your place of self-expression and renewal. Pray. Be honest with yourself and Him. Be human.

Then, continue on the road home.

"Courage Isn't a Brilliant Dash"

I believe I was in elementary school when I came across the poem Courage, by Edgar A. Guest. Since then, when I think of the word courage, my mind goes back to the first few lines of this poem. At this season of life, I am faced with some hard issues and some hard decisions that are going to take courage to overcome. Fact is, if I don't have courage, along with faith, trust, and vision, I will not be able to make it through this time. Courage doesn't not mean the absence of fear. Instead, courage allows you to act anyway, despite your fear. There's a lot of things I'm afraid of right now. But, with courage, I can conquer them all.

Courage isn't a brilliant dash,
A daring deed in a moment's flash;
It isn't an instantaneous thing
Born of despair with a sudden spring
It isn't a creature of flickered hope
Or the final tug at a slipping rope;
But it's something deep in the soul of man
That is working always to serve some plan.

Courage isn't the last resort
In the work of life or the game of sport;
It isn't a thing that a man can call
At some future time when he's apt to fall;
If he hasn't it now, he will have it not
When the strain is great and the pace is hot.
For who would strive for a distant goal
Must always have courage within his soul.

Courage isn't a dazzling light
That flashes and passes away from sight;
It's a slow, unwavering, ingrained trait
With the patience to work and the strength to wait.
It's part of a man when his skies are blue,
It's part of him when he has work to do.
The brave man never is freed of it.
He has it when there is no need of it.

Courage was never designed for show;
It isn't a thing that can come and go;
It's written in victory and defeat
And every trial a man may meet.
It's part of his hours, his days and his years,
Back of his smiles and behind his tears.
Courage is more than a daring deed:
It's the breath of life and a strong man's creed.

It's okay to be sad.

Really, it's okay to be sad.

It's taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that I'm sensitive, emotional- a feeler. It's something that I've hated because I considered emotions, particularly negative emotions, to be a sign of weakness. Growing up, I desperately tried to bottle up my emotions- tuck away feelings of sadness and loneliness, loss and depression, in the hopes that they'd magically dissipate into the abyss, leaving me only with joy and happiness. I didn't know how to face the internal conflict of unmet expectations and life's disappointments. Of course, emotions don't go away until you deal with them. They grow and fester until they bubble over, creating a destructive situation for all involved. That right there sums up my adolescent years.

As I've gotten older, I've learned to recognize my emotions and try to handle them accordingly. Yet, I still struggle with actually being okay with and accepting of them. Now if you're wondering the difference between recognition/admittance and acceptance, there's the best way I can explain it:

Recognition- I see and admit that I'm feeling [insert negative emotion here]. Let me do something to quickly change it because I don't like this feeling.
 vs.
Acceptance- I'm feeling [insert negative emotion here]. Though I don't like it, I have to take the time to deal with it and go through the process.

Though recognition was much better than my ignoring of emotions past, it's still not 100% healthy because I still wasn't fully allowing myself to process through the emotion because I still wanted to avoid the internal conflict of the feelings themselves. So instead, I'd recognize the feelings and spend more of my time distracting myself from it and trying to replace them with happy thoughts than actually processing through everything.

Old habits die hard...

Fast forward to today as someone who is trying to process through the loss of my career and everything that surrounds it. It's hard, very hard. I spend my time shifting between good and bad days and momentary feelings of hope and despair. Life as I knew it has changed, and I have to accept and mourn the loss of that, as well as embrace the new unknown adventure that lies ahead. Where there is faith, there is fear. And where there is so much uncertainty, there is anxiety and sadness.

Monday will make the first time in about 24 years that I'm not preparing to go back to school. It's an extremely difficult reality to confront. I miss the comfort and stability of my life, and the possibilities that were available to me because of it. And now, I have to close that chapter and write a new story.

It's okay to be sad.

The last few days have been hard days, with more difficult days to come. As I prepare for the last battle in this fight for my license this week and what the next steps in my life will be, I can't help but feel a myriad of emotions as I try to process through some very tough life questions and present realities. I know that God's will will be done, and that everything will work in accordance to how its supposed to. In that respect, my worry is lessened because I know that God is with me. But it doesn't mean that the sadness I feel is any less.

In trying to handle emotions differently, I have to keep reminding myself that it's okay to be sad, angry, frustrated, worried... I have to go through the process. I just can't wallow there forever. So for now, I'm learning to embrace the sadness, and pray for better days in the future.

Millennial's and the Church- a brief response.

Maybe about 2 weeks ago, the article "How to keep Millennial's in the Church?" started popping up on my newsfeed. It was a good read especially in light of the many conversations I've been having over the last few years about my views of the Church. If you're wondering what this means, millennial's and the Church, let me give you a brief overview. It's basically how the church is dealing with the youth of the church who have been born between the 1980s and 2000, which raises the question of how does the Church appeal to or handle the pre-teens to young adults?  On our church discussion board, my pastor asked us to open up a dialog on this article. I will write more at a later time some of my views on different aspects of the Church, but I think this will give you a bit of an idea.
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Whatever happened to the Church just being Church- a place where people can come to meet Jesus. A place that transforms lives, and cultivates rich, deep community. A place that feeds the poor, welcomes the stranger, protects the widow. And among many other things, a place that is actually cross eyed. Instead, so many churches have become (or strive to be) houses that boast of the thousands of "members" that warm pews on Sunday mornings. Pastors, reverends, evangelists, psalmists, prophets, (insert title here), have taken the Word of God to create self-serving businesses, I mean ministries, that generate millions though cool pop culture gimmicks, preaching prosperity over purpose, and playing on the glitz and glamor, feel-good needs of a generation. So many have turned the richness of the Bible to watered-down feel good messages that attract the masses, but lack the transformative substance of the Gospel itself. Sure, bread is filling, but what is its longstanding nutritional value?
Lest we forget that Jesus only started with 12...

As someone who falls in this millennial category, what keeps me in Church is the desire to connect to something real- substantive Word that transforms and gives me the tools to navigate this life, rich loving community that in essence serves as a second family, areas that I can connect, serve, grow, and explore my gifts and talents, and a community that works to live the message of the gospel to the world around them. I think to ignore the needs and desires of the millennial generation would be to isolate them and ignore the fact that society has changed over time. The church needs to be sensitive to that. But, the same goes for every generation in the church. With that said, the church cannot be a ship tossed at sea, left to the winds of whatever fad blows through, but rather an anchor that can withstand the fickleness of human nature and keep its people Christ-centered.

Coaches vs. Cheerleaders- Which one are you?

I will be the first to tell you I'm my own biggest critic. I can't say that I'm necessarily a perfectionist, but haven't had the best track record of exuding confidence in my abilities and life's situations. Where this comes from exactly, I'm not sure. Could be remnants of the low self-esteem and constant teasing I experienced as a kid. Maybe it was growing up with slightly skewed messages of what it means to be humble over being prideful. Or maybe, it's feeling the pressures of the various messages our society and culture portrays, which one can never fully achieve. I'm pretty sure its a combination of these and more. I can be very self-critical. I'm working on it, but it's a process.

Anyways, I digress.

This year in particular, I've had some difficult moments. And with my first reaction to be to prep for the worst, or go to that negative space, it's sometimes really hard for me to see that every storm has its breaking point- that the sun will shine eventually. It's not that I don't know that this is the case. But in the midst of everything, it's a fact that is many times difficult to own.  I can never say enough about how blessed I've been to have individuals around me this year who have been a source of encouragement during the lower points I've experienced. They've been the ones to motivate me in moments when my view of my situation was skewed in a way that I just couldn't seem to see the other side of things. I've always known that you need to choose your friends wisely, but one thing that I've learned this year is knowing who they are in times of crisis, and what you need from them in those moments.

This brings me to the subject of today's post- Coaches vs. Cheerleader's: Which one are you?

When I think of a coach, I think of someone who is constantly giving directions, problem solving, always seeing how things can be done better. Coaches motivate their players to do better and direct them in the ways that they should do so. And if you're messing up, they'll definitely let you know that you need to do better.
Cheerleaders on the other hand are constantly encouraging the players. Whether the players are winning or losing, their job is to cheer on those players to the final second. Cheerleaders have faith in their players no matter what.

With those perceptions of coaches and cheerleaders, I would want a cheerleader with me at all times. Why? Because they're always going to see the bright side of things. No matter what my situation, I can walk away feeling good, pumped, and ready to go. I want someone to have unconditional faith in me. Who doesn't! But before we sing the eternal praises of cheerleaders, there's always a downside. Cheerleaders if they are not discerning can be blindly optimistic and not acknowledge the reality of things. Remember those American Idol contestants that you watch and we all know that they suck but yet their friends and family bad mouth the judges on how they don't know how to recognize true talent- yeah those people. Those are what we call bad cheerleaders.

What about those coaches? Coaches are good for recognizing the realities of the situation. They're not afraid to point out the facts and make plans on how things should be fixed. If you're stuck, coaches can help you lay the groundwork to get you up and going. They help you to regroup. And in those moments, I need a coach to redirect me and get me on the right track. But like the cheerleader, they have their faults too. If a coach isn't careful, they can be controlling and discouraging. For example, if you've ever been a situation where you've made a mistake and gotten the dreaded "I told you so" from a friend, spouse, parent... you and both know that in that moment, that's the last thing you want to hear.

So if there's good and bad in both the coach and the cheerleader, what's the solution?

First things first, life is not a football game. The individuals we call friends and mentors shouldn't fall into one category or the other, but rather embody both characteristics. There's a time to cheer on, and there's a time to deal with reality. Naturally we're going to swing more to one side than the other. And that's fine. But as a supporter in one's life, one should be able to know when to coach and when to cheer on.

Secondly, as the person going through the issue, you have to be able to understand who the people are in your inner circle and what their strength's are. You're in that moment where you're trying to figure out what to do with your life and you don't know which way is up- maybe that person who's more of a cheerleader is not the one for you at that moment. You're going to need a coach, playa.

Lastly, you need to understand who you are and what you need. Though I don't do it as much for myself, I'm much more of a cheerleader than a coach. But because I can be self-critical or just afraid to make the next move, more often that not I need a cheerleader to encourage me to keep going. Its not that I need a coach to give me a plan, but rather the motivation to follow through with the plans I've already created. But, if I'm going in the wrong direction, I'm going to need a coach to get me back on track. And something that I have to learn to do myself: Don't be afraid to tell people what you need at the moment! As I was reading in another blog about this same topic a few weeks back, life is a lot easier when you can state and get what you need.

So as individuals, I would encourage us to recognize who we naturally gravitate to- the coach or the cheerleader, and then learn how to embody the healthy characteristics of the other side, so that when situations in life transpire, we know how to respond accordingly.

Go team, go! :)

Love God, Love Others

Have you ever had friends who were in a relationship, who just oozed all of the warm and fuzzies of coupledom.You know- super affectionate, cutsie pet names, inside jokes, and silly stories... And as much as you love them, you kind of want to hit them. Okay, maybe that's just me. Anyways, generally when they're in this intoxicated by the joys of love, they want everyone else around them to feel the same. They want the abundance, the overflow of love that they're experiencing to be shared by everyone else around them.

Loving God is the same way. It's a relationship. And when you're in love, you just bubble over with all of the joy that is love. You can't but help to want to share the love you're experiencing with others.

Love God, love others.



For a few months, this was screen shot on my phone as a reminder of sorts that in this life, its not about me. I was created not to seek self-gratification, but rather to well, love God, and love others. To love God means that I need to be constantly stoking the fire of that relationship. Because like any relationship, the honeymoon phase is only temporary. Love is a daily choice, that needs daily work. The fruit of that labor becomes the overflow of love that we possess for Christ. But what happens next?

From my perspective, two things happen. 1) Being afraid of losing that feeling, people begin to horde it, and keep it away from others. They cocoon themselves with only other like-minded believers behind church walls to protect this precious gift that they have. Or 2) go out and spread the good news of the gospel to the masses so that they too can share in the great sacred romance.

Now if I were to poll people on which option should be the action of Christians, overwhelmingly people would choose choice 2. Yet, is that truly loving others?

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Wednesday morning, I woke up at 3:30am after only getting about 4 hours of sleep, to drive down to DC to join hundreds of others at the Capitol to advocate for immigration reform. Shirts and passengers in tow, I watched the sunrise from I-95. After meeting at the Lutheran Church of the Reformation of D.C., we prayed at the Capitol and went to the offices of our respective congressional representatives to tell the stories of the shadows of immigration in this nation- the broken families, the individuals who have been raised in this nation, with America being all that they know, and yet cannot attend college, obtain a drivers license, work a real job, live the American Dream.

This is not my story. My mother's family is many generations American, and I am second generation American on my Father's side. Though this is not my personal narrative, I found myself at various points of the day holding back tears because it broke my heart to know that this is the daily reality of so many individuals in this nation- everyday people who work hard, and want the best for themselves and their families whose lives are lived in limbo and in fear. It made me that much more thankful the everyday insignificant things that I take for granted, that someone else is risking their life for.

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What does it mean to love others?

Life has taught me that loving others is much more than just sharing the good news. Loving others is living the overflow of the love that you have for God. Its becoming the extension of His hand and feet in the world. Its loving people unconditionally, regardless of race, culture, orientation, nationality, or status. Its making sacrifices for people you may never even know, to make an impact in the lives of people you may never even meet. More so than the biblical commandment, you do it because you remember that you were once lost and in need of salvation; at some point(s) in your life needed the helping hand of others.


¹⁹When you are harvesting in your field and you overlook a sheaf, do not go back to get it. Leave it for the foreigner, the fatherless and the widow, so that the Lord your God may bless you in all the work of your hands. ²⁰ When you beat the olives from your trees, do not go over the branches a second time. Leave what remains for the foreigner, the fatherless and the widow. ²¹ When you harvest the grapes in your vineyard, do not go over the vines again. Leave what remains for the foreigner, the fatherless and the widow. ²² Remember that you were slaves in Egypt. That is why I command you to do this. (Deu. 24:19-22 NIV)

As Christians, it should be our mission and passion to fight against injustice. It should be our collective mission to give relief to those who suffer, feed those who are hungry, clothe the naked, fight for equality, and pursue justice. It is our responsibility to welcome the stranger, care for the fatherless, and protect the widow. It's not enough to just sit in our respective corners and pray. And worse yet, we don't have the option of seeing suffering around us and choosing to turn our noses up towards heaven. When we truly love God, we should be like that sappy couple, where they're so in love, they can't help but spread it everywhere they go.

I encourage all of us to rethink what it means to love God, and love others. For some, it may be as simple as paying for a stranger's cup of coffee or giving school supplies to local school children. For others, it may be going to Washington, or getting arrested in the name of justice to fight for the other. Whatever we do, however way we embody the overflow of the love of God, we must always do it in love.

 ³⁴ “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. ³⁵ By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” (John 13:34-35 NIV)

Choosing Happiness...?

When my mother chose my name, she intentionally put joy as part of my name so that it would be something that is part of who I am. Honestly, I'm glad that she had the foresight to do that. There's a lot of power in a name. As a teacher who has seen some crazy names over the last few years, I wish more people had that foresight.

Ironically, its one of the things I've struggled with the most in my life. Drastic and sudden life changes along with the struggles of growing up poor in Brooklyn led to me being a sad child, who turned into a depressed teenager, who grew into a emotionally numb adult. I wanted desperately to be happy. I really did. But when happiness didn't knock on my door and wrap me in sunshine, glitter, rainbows, and unicorns, I contemplated if I'd ever be truly happy. I was tired of being sad, but it just seemed to be this dark cloud that followed me. I got pretty good at the facade though. Fake it til you make it was my mantra. Yet, deep down saw myself as an army of one- unable to trust people because all they do is let you down. Afraid to connect to others in fear of being judged or ridiculed. There were a lot of painful experiences over the years that kept wading in a pool of sadness and negativity.

But wait- aren't you a Christian? Aren't you supposed to be happy? What about those verses like "the joy of the Lord is your strength" or "weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning"?

What happens when the morning comes and you're still in mourning?

Being (or becoming) a Christian doesn't absolve you from feeling sadness, depression, loneliness, anger... There isn't a Bible verse that someone can toss like a band-aid onto your life to make everything better. Shoot, even Jesus wept, and turned tables. So why is it not okay to exhibit another emotion other than happiness?

Personally, I think its because it makes people uncomfortable. It forces people to confront those emotions within themselves when they see them in others. And for the person who clings to the facade of happiness, that becomes a difficult reality to confront. It also brings light to the fact that in our communities (whether that is church, family, culture...), we battle forms of emotional distress and mental illness which would necessitate receiving outside help. Unfortunately, we'd rather hide behind walls of silence than branch out and receive the help we need to bring resolution to these issues. Then, the cycle continues.

Happiness, peace, joy... will not fall out of the sky and into your lap. You have to intentionally choose it.

I can't tell you when I made that realization. I can however tell you that it has made a big difference in my life. Choosing happiness has meant that I've had to choose to confront and heal from the wounds of my past that were impeding my present. I had to choose to no longer isolate myself and open myself to receiving the help I needed whether it be through friendship, pastoral care, or counseling to get the support and develop the tools I needed to be happy. Every morning, I have to choose to say that "this is the day that the Lord has made, and I will rejoice and be glad in it" despite my circumstances. And in those times that joy and peace seem to be absent from my line of sight, I have to allow myself the time to process those emotions and walk that path until I can reach that place of peace and joy once again. Lastly, I've learned to take Philippians 4:8 to heart:
"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things."
I could spend my days lamenting on bad choices, tough circumstances, and painful events, or I can choose to meditate on the many blessings before me, even through difficult times. Thinking on what is good and pure doesn't give an excuse to not deal with the unpleasant issues in life. It just means that we don't need to spend our days only focused on such things. Remember, we are what we think.

So I encourage you to if you haven't already done so- choose happiness. It makes a world of difference. 

A Healing For My Soul

Yesterday morning as I woke up to prepare for church, I had the song Healing by Kelly Price in my running in my head. It was/is pretty fitting.

"Healing for me, that’s what I need
I’ve been broken hearted, torn apart
But Lord I know that if I only touch You
You’ll exchange my issues for Your virtue"

I need a healing for my soul. My heart is very heavy, and my mind is filled with a lot of questions that don't seem to have answers (or easy ones). My faith says with God, all things are possible. But to my natural eye, life kinda sucks right now. I swing between these two places- faith and expectancy, and sadness and despair. I'm learning not to kick myself too much for that. I can thank years of "too blessed to be stressed" bad theologies for the guilt in the latter emotions. Among many lessons this time period in life has taught me, you have to be honest about what you feel, and go through the process of working through those emotions, especially when they're unpleasant and difficult to deal with. And in this Job-like season of mine, where I've lost some very important people and things (latest being my job license), and had to confront some very tough issues in my life, I can't help but to feel broken. 

How do we process brokenness in a healthy manner? How can the church create the space for individuals to process brokenness?

As someone who is smack in the middle of these questions, I by no means have all of the answers. Most days, I wish that I had Genie in a Bottle Jesus to grant all of my wishes and make everything better. Or, that Magic 8 Ball Jesus would come and answer all of my questions. Oh if it were that simple. But in line with one of my favorite quotes by Frederick Douglass  "If there is no struggle, there is no progress"- you have to go through the process in order to grow. So here are some of the things I've learned in looking at these two questions about dealing with brokenness in no particular order-

As an individual:
-Be honest with yourself: You feel on cloud 9, own it. You feel like crap, own it. It is what it is. Its when we run from our feelings that things only get worse. They will become the hot pink elephant with the lime green polka dot lamp shade in the room of your heart till you deal with it. And hot pink elephants with lime green polka dot lampshades will always mess up your decor.
-Be honest with others: There is nothing worse than carrying feelings of brokenness and having to masquerade like everything is great. "Too anointed to be disappointed" syndrome just makes things worse. We're called to be in community. No need to walk the long bumpy road alone. Take some good, trustworthy people along for the ride.
-Take a break: I once had an ex tell me that you can't run away from your problems. He was right. You can't run, but you can put your cross down for a minute. Take some time to refresh yourself. Hang out with friends. Take a trip. Do something to refresh yourself so that you can come back with the energy and mental clarity to once again take up your cross. Sometimes taking a break and coming back to a situation with fresh eyes makes a world of difference.
-Take your time: Our quick fix society wants you (us) to hurry up and feel better. Yeah, it doesn't work like that. The cliche "Rome wasn't built in a day" is true. Healing doesn't happen in a day. Dig in and be ready for the ride. Just don't use the "I'm taking my time" as an excuse to permanently wallow in your pain.
-Embrace solitude: It's too easy to fill your time with things and people to help numb the pain that you feel. I'm totally guilty of that. But there's a time for friends, and a time to be alone. Too much of either one can be detrimental. It's in the solitude and the silence that we can truly wrestle with ourselves and our feelings. It's hard, but it's healthy, and necessary.
-Nurture healthy outlets: Write, sing, paint, run, sew... let the energy of your pain be the catalyst to something beautiful. Right now, I'm working on writing, learning Spanish, and music among other things. All of that energy has to go somewhere. Mind as well make it positive. 

As a church:
-Be relational and communal: (This really needs to be in place beforehand). The worst thing that can happen to a person is to open their innermost struggles to their church family, and people either 1) pretend that nothing ever happened 2) look at them with eyes of pity (or judgement) or even worse 3) use it as gossip. Be ready to get your hands dirty and support people. Check on them. Hug them. Love them. Break bread with them. Ask how they're doing and actually listen to the response. Be church.
-Be real: We've all experienced brokenness at some point. Remember how that felt? Remember how you hated hearing band-aid cliche Christianese statements like "PUSH- pray until something happens." Yeah me too. Encourage, but be real to where a person is. No one likes a little Miss/Mister Perfect and a Holy High Roller.
-Be patient: Just like an individual needs to take their time, so does the church. Just because you prayed for me at the alter doesn't mean that I'll be all peachy the next time you see me. Healing is a process, and everyone's timeline is different. Respect the process and be patient. 
-Give people space: "So you've lost your job, how's that going for you?" times 20. Its a tricky area. There's supportive, and then there's being overbearing which can become insensitive. You may not see that person every Sunday. They might not come to every event. They may need to step down from wherever they were serving. That's fine. Don't let the person drift away in to the abyss, but you don't need to be in their face constantly. But it goes back to relationship. When you've actually developed that with someone, you'll better see the boundary line.
-Love them: I know I already mentioned this. But we as a society are in love deficit. And the church is sadly no better. Love them. Pray for them. Bring them food. Send an encouraging text message. Go to their home, or invite them to yours. Listen to them! The simplest things go a very long way.

I am by no means perfect. I've failed at all of these things at one point or another. Its the ability to get back up and keep trying, not the failure, that defines us. As an individual who is going through my own stuff, who is part of a community of others who are going through their own respective "stuffs", I pray that as I continue to process and grow, that I can exercise these lessons that I've learned in order to help myself, and help others.

Transitions

tran·si·tion

[tran-zish-uhn, -sish-] Show IPA

noun

1.

movement, passage, or change from one position, state, stage, subject, concept, etc., to another; change: the transition from adolescence to adulthood.

 

 

Transitions have a funny way of sneaking up on you without notice. It's like, one night you go to sleep one way, and you wake up the next day with your world is somehow shifted off of its axis. Okay, maybe its not always that drastic, but I think you can catch my point.

 

This past year has been nothing but transitions- drastic changes to my life as a whole. I went from sharing an apartment with friends in Brooklyn, to sleeping on a friend's floor in North Jersey, while couch hopping in the city during the week. I've seen relationships, goals, and ideas change. I've seen the career that I sacrificed so much for, dedicated so much to, change. Anyone on the outside looking in on my life would see that I've lost a lot. I, being on the inside of the glass of course sees so much more. There is nothing easy or comforting about your world, my world, being turned around. I was content where I was. I loved the freedom of living on my own. I felt comfort in the stability of my career. I even felt like for once in my life I could start laying down some solid life plans and goals for my future.

 

And this is where God... laughs!

 

Brick by brick, the walls off my comfort zone have been dismantled. The plans that I had- nothing more than smeared ink on crumpled pages. My ideas on my life and how I define self, success, and stability- shifted. I look back and reminisce on how comfortable I was. But was I happy?

 

Transition forces you to take inventory, reevaluate what is really important as you move onto the next stage in life. This time has forced me to look at my past, present, and future with new lenses. Its forced me to confront myself in a way that I would have not done if I were comfortable. Its forced me to narrow down what is really important. So where I could see this year of losses as a negative circumstance, I choose to see it as a way of making room for new ideas and opportunities. It has allowed me to see God differently and trust Him in a way that I did not before. It's in essence, the answer to a deep seated prayer to have the opportunity to start over. And though things are not where I want them to be, and circumstances are not as comfortable as I'd desire, I have a level of happiness and contentment now that I didn't have when I was comfortable. It doesn't mean I don't have tough days or moments where I wrestle with God, life, and self. However, it is a testament to the work that God has been doing in me in the last year, and will continue to do as I continue to seek His will for my life on this path of transition.

 

Hello. My name is Joy, and these are the pages of my journey.

Day 26: Oh the Worries...

Something I currently worry about...

Money.

Money is something I've never had an abundance of. I grew up as a welfare kid. I took loans all throughout college. And now that I'm a working adult trying to make it on my own, I worry a lot about my finances- the mistakes and successes I've made along the way. My goal at this current stage in my life is to be ahead of my finances instead of my finances being ahead of me. That means making some tough choices and facing some difficult things, but I know that once I grab hold of this mountain in my life, things will be a lot better for me.

Day 25: Self Likes & Dislikes

I am AWESOME!!!

I like the fact that I am awesome, largely because it took me well into adulthood to realize and own just how awesome I am. What makes me awesome you ask...? Well lets me tell ya ;)

1) I'm a hot-mess ...in the good sense
I'm funny, silly, and love to laugh.

2) I'm a smart cookie.
I love learning and I love teaching other what I've learned

3) I'm caring.
Its my hearts desire to help people, and bring people together.

4) I'm beautiful.
Admittedly I still have my personal struggles owning this but I know I'm a looker!


But in all of my awesome, I have some areas I need to work on.

1) Discipline- I don't always have the strongest will-power when it comes to taking care of things I don't like, or that don't come naturally to me. I can be a bit of a lazy mc lazy pants.

2) Organization- which goes back to the discipline, I am a great organizer, but don't always follow the plan. 

3) Weight- Being at my heaviest weight ever, I'm not pleased with that by any means. Yet with that, I have found a beauty and appreciation for myself that I wish I had in my thinner & younger days,

4) Voice- I've never been good at voicing my wants or needs. Rather, I wasn't really allowed to voice such things when I was growing up. As an adult, its something I very much struggle with. Its a work in progress...

My life is a work in progress, and the things that I like and dislike about myself are a true reflection of this.

Day 24: Things that Make Me Laugh

So clearly, I have failed at doing this writing challenge in 30 days, but better late than never right....

 5 words/phrases that make me laugh

1. (Not) 'Bout that life. Definitely a 2012 phrase. It makes me laugh each time. 
2.  ShouldaboughtaHonda, SteadIBoughtAKia. Yup. 
3. Anything that ends in getting me pregnant. I laugh in embarassment each time. 
4. C-Dubbs
5. Swag, and the excessive use of the word. Its funny. Sad, but funny.

New Year's Eve

As 2012 comes to a close tonight, I can't help but be reflective of the number of changes that have happened in my life this year. It has been a roller coaster of a year, truly full of its peaks and valley's.  With my birthday just passing a week and a half prior to today, I have spent my time reflecting on where I have been and where I'd like to be. To not be consumed by the negative has been an active choice, for I definitely am not whee I'd like to be at this time in life. Yet, I can't help but find myself thankful and waiting in anticipation for what God has in store for this next year of my life.

"Unto You be all the glory."

There are many things that I want to see in this next year of my life- an apartment of my own, new and mended relationships, traveling, better finances. Yet, what I currently long for is to really see where God will take me and grow me in this coming year. Yes, I want to increase this year, and not in the prosperity and blessing theology sense (though I wouldn't turn down material blessing by any means). I want to increase in faith, and truly have my life be a testament to the power of God in one's life when they choose to surrender their lives to Him.

Decrease for increase. Less of me, more of Him.

This year's over-arching goal is to change my narrative. And in changing my narrative, that means removing those things from my life that 1) don't benefit me in any way 2) don't glorify God in any way and 3) have taken too high of a place in my life. The closing of this year has been working on pulling the weeds in my life to prep and prime the soil for a bountiful growing and harvest season, so that it may bless me and all of those around me. That is my prayer for the coming year.

Day 20: Your Fears

Failure.
Mediocrity.
Being alone.
Unrealized dreams.
Not fulfilling my purpose.

Though I don't believe in psychics, there are times that I wish I had the ability to get a glimpse into what the future looks like so I know what to expect. Through the Bible and his divine revelation to us, God gives us tidbits of different areas of our lives in the times to come. But as I become more anxious in certain areas of my life, I wish I had a little life cheat sheet to help me along the way.

I'm definitely at a time in my life where as I begin to evaluate what really matters, I can't help but have some of those "what if" questions lurk around my thoughts. What if I miss the mark? What if I don't make it? What if my life goes in a completely different direction? What if I don't make it? I try not to let these things get to me because if left to my own devises I can definitely think and over analyze myself into an abyss of "what if's."

What I hold onto today is the fact that I believe that God's promises for my life will be fulfilled! My life will not be reduced to a dream deferred. When the voices of fear and circumstance become more audible than things I believe God for in my life, I am quickly reminded that He will never leave or forsake me. So, I must keep going.

Besides, I've come too far now to let something like the what if's turn my fears into reality.

Leap of Faith- What is your "holy grail"?

One of my favorite films is Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. My favorite scene in the film is when Indiana Jones is faced with crossing this unfathomable pass from one cliff to another in quest of the Holy Grail. In a moment of ultimate faith, Indy steps out and his path is made straight before him. In my life, this has become my image of ultimate faith. When things seem at their most bleak, most impossible, when there is no where else to turn, it is faith in God that truly makes a way out of no way. The path that God creates before us may not come the way we envisioned or expected, but he will never leave us.

As I embark on a new year in my life, both in age and in time, I have been thrown into a deeper space of thought on life and self. Somewhere between current life circumstances and the desires of my heart, I am caught trying to navigate these two very different worlds. I wish I could say that at minimum I've found some sort of acceptable balance between these areas, but that would be a lie. Instead, I feel I'm caught in the two steps forward, three steps back cycle, with current circumstances taking precedence over the vision I believe God has created for my life. More often than not, faith seems like a fleeting concept. Both my body and my heart are weary. The "Lord, something's gotta give because this isn't working" conversation seems to permeate many of my talks with God.

Everyone's holy grail looks different. For Indy, the holy grail was literal. For others, it may be more dire circumstances- jobs, homes, health, addiction. For me, I am searching for permanence, stability, freedom, a place to belong and be, a home and family (in multiple senses of those words), a place to love and be loved- I'm searching to put an end to those cycles in the lives of both myself and my family that seem to keep us from living in the fullness of life God has for us. From childhood, I was taught that "faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Now, the question becomes, do I have the faith to take the leap of faith and trust that despite circumstances, fears, and obstacles, Christ will always make a way and answer prayer?

Am I ready to take the leap of faith?

Day 18: A Problem I've Had

Do the right thing, especially when it's difficult.

I loved my job my kids. My students were the source of much frustration as well as the reason I could get out of the bed to go to work in the morning. By my third year at my job, I was unhappy. It was more of an subconscious unhappiness that manifested itself in constant illness, fatigue, and other stress related symptoms. By my third year rolled around, I spent the first 6 weeks of the school year battling blurred vision, a never-ending cold, and worst of all respiratory distress that would have me gasping for air in the middle of class. By the end of the school year, I spent many days pushing back tears to and from work. Despite the adversity I faced at work, I was caught at a crossroads: do I stay and pray that it would get better the next year, or do I leave and start over? What about my kids? What about all of the things I was involved in? What if I leave and end up in a worse situation?

By the end of June, I decided to step out on faith. If God has been keeping me thus far, I wholeheartedly believed that He would not bring me into a worse situation. So, I took my leap of faith. The second interview I went on, although I arrived 15 minutes late, felt totally unprepared, and just knew there was no way I could get this job, I got the job offer the same day I interviewed.

Now that we're a few weeks from ending the first semester, I can say I am a lot happier where I am. I still love and miss my kids. And there are times that I wonder if I made the right decision because I do have difficult days. But, I'm reminded that no matter what my fears and what if's are, as long as I follow God and his will for my life, he will guide me to the path I'm supposed to be on.

It was difficult, but I had do the right thing, for me.

Day 17: Something I'm Proud Of

I am most proud of being me.

I don't say it to sound conceited, but I am pretty awesome, and I'm very proud of that.

Why do I say this? Let's go over some stats:
-Child of a single mother
-Grew up without a father (or real male influence for that matter)
-Welfare kid raised mostly in NYC housing
-Have taken on a great amount of responsibility from a young age
-Graduated from one of the top schools in the city (as well as the country)
-I have my bachelors, and masters, and have been working in my profession since 23.

Based on my humble beginnings, there's a lot of places I should've ended up. The statistics were not in my favor to achieve what I have done in this almost 27 years of life (...and we all know what the stats say I should be doing with my life). But, by the grace of God and having a strong mother, grandmother, and various teachers over the years who kept me on track, my narrative is different than what the outside world would have projected for me. And for that, I am extremely proud. I hope and pray that as I dive deeper into my profession and the purpose that God has for my life, that I can use my life as a testament to those coming up after me that your story doesn't have to be what the masses have made it to be. Your story can be different. It won't be easy, but its not impossible.

This is what I am most proud of. :)