The Road Home

12/15/13
Moments of silent solitude can be
more deafening than the sounds of
the restless city during rush hour.
To be silent is to feast in the company of
your guardian angels and inner demons.
Seated at a banquet of prized moments
and inner woes, one must face the reality
of who they claim to be is only a
distorted projection of who they really are.
No wonder we spend our days
filling the silence with selfish exploits and
mindless chatter.

--------------------

The night of my pre-birthday dinner, after having such a wonderful time in the presence of people that I love dearly, I found myself in my car not wanting to go home. It's not an unusual occurrence. I have days where I take the long way home, stop for a while at the pier or park, or sit in the car after I park and take in the silence. Sometimes it's because my occasional restless nature gets the best of me. Other times, it's because the route home is the reminder that I have to pick up my cross and continue on my uphill journey. That night, I stopped at the pier and penned three short poems. Admittedly they weren't hopeful or joyous- not reflective of the food, laughter, singing and wonderful company I was just in a short hour or two before. They were about lacking faith, false realities, and inner darkness- my darkness.

Twenty-eight was full of challenges, many unexpected life challenges, down to the very end. Honestly, I don't know where I'd be if it wasn't for those individuals sitting around me in that little Cuban restaurant that evening. They each in their own way where and are Christ in the flesh- their encouragement, support, faith, prayers, hugs, love, free meals, long conversations, fun excursions- everything. And for that, I thanked them.

Yet, my heart was still heavy.

So I stopped. I wrote. I prayed. I faced my brokenness. I reflected on my gratitude. I told Him that sometimes I doubt Him. I sat in silence. I feasted at a banquet in the company of my guardian angels and my inner demons. Then, I drove home.

The heaviness I felt the previous night was but a distant memory by the next morning.

I could've gone home, feeling heavy, and distracted myself with video streaming, social media, or insert distraction here, until I dozed off. Honestly, I can't tell you what I did when I got home. But I know I felt more at peace than if I would've stifled my feelings or brushed them off.  

So, to conclude this story: embrace silence and solitude. Face your darkness. Bare the grittiness of your pain to Him. Reflect. Show gratitude. Go to your place of self-expression and renewal. Pray. Be honest with yourself and Him. Be human.

Then, continue on the road home.