New Year's Eve

As 2012 comes to a close tonight, I can't help but be reflective of the number of changes that have happened in my life this year. It has been a roller coaster of a year, truly full of its peaks and valley's.  With my birthday just passing a week and a half prior to today, I have spent my time reflecting on where I have been and where I'd like to be. To not be consumed by the negative has been an active choice, for I definitely am not whee I'd like to be at this time in life. Yet, I can't help but find myself thankful and waiting in anticipation for what God has in store for this next year of my life.

"Unto You be all the glory."

There are many things that I want to see in this next year of my life- an apartment of my own, new and mended relationships, traveling, better finances. Yet, what I currently long for is to really see where God will take me and grow me in this coming year. Yes, I want to increase this year, and not in the prosperity and blessing theology sense (though I wouldn't turn down material blessing by any means). I want to increase in faith, and truly have my life be a testament to the power of God in one's life when they choose to surrender their lives to Him.

Decrease for increase. Less of me, more of Him.

This year's over-arching goal is to change my narrative. And in changing my narrative, that means removing those things from my life that 1) don't benefit me in any way 2) don't glorify God in any way and 3) have taken too high of a place in my life. The closing of this year has been working on pulling the weeds in my life to prep and prime the soil for a bountiful growing and harvest season, so that it may bless me and all of those around me. That is my prayer for the coming year.

Day 20: Your Fears

Failure.
Mediocrity.
Being alone.
Unrealized dreams.
Not fulfilling my purpose.

Though I don't believe in psychics, there are times that I wish I had the ability to get a glimpse into what the future looks like so I know what to expect. Through the Bible and his divine revelation to us, God gives us tidbits of different areas of our lives in the times to come. But as I become more anxious in certain areas of my life, I wish I had a little life cheat sheet to help me along the way.

I'm definitely at a time in my life where as I begin to evaluate what really matters, I can't help but have some of those "what if" questions lurk around my thoughts. What if I miss the mark? What if I don't make it? What if my life goes in a completely different direction? What if I don't make it? I try not to let these things get to me because if left to my own devises I can definitely think and over analyze myself into an abyss of "what if's."

What I hold onto today is the fact that I believe that God's promises for my life will be fulfilled! My life will not be reduced to a dream deferred. When the voices of fear and circumstance become more audible than things I believe God for in my life, I am quickly reminded that He will never leave or forsake me. So, I must keep going.

Besides, I've come too far now to let something like the what if's turn my fears into reality.

Leap of Faith- What is your "holy grail"?

One of my favorite films is Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. My favorite scene in the film is when Indiana Jones is faced with crossing this unfathomable pass from one cliff to another in quest of the Holy Grail. In a moment of ultimate faith, Indy steps out and his path is made straight before him. In my life, this has become my image of ultimate faith. When things seem at their most bleak, most impossible, when there is no where else to turn, it is faith in God that truly makes a way out of no way. The path that God creates before us may not come the way we envisioned or expected, but he will never leave us.

As I embark on a new year in my life, both in age and in time, I have been thrown into a deeper space of thought on life and self. Somewhere between current life circumstances and the desires of my heart, I am caught trying to navigate these two very different worlds. I wish I could say that at minimum I've found some sort of acceptable balance between these areas, but that would be a lie. Instead, I feel I'm caught in the two steps forward, three steps back cycle, with current circumstances taking precedence over the vision I believe God has created for my life. More often than not, faith seems like a fleeting concept. Both my body and my heart are weary. The "Lord, something's gotta give because this isn't working" conversation seems to permeate many of my talks with God.

Everyone's holy grail looks different. For Indy, the holy grail was literal. For others, it may be more dire circumstances- jobs, homes, health, addiction. For me, I am searching for permanence, stability, freedom, a place to belong and be, a home and family (in multiple senses of those words), a place to love and be loved- I'm searching to put an end to those cycles in the lives of both myself and my family that seem to keep us from living in the fullness of life God has for us. From childhood, I was taught that "faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Now, the question becomes, do I have the faith to take the leap of faith and trust that despite circumstances, fears, and obstacles, Christ will always make a way and answer prayer?

Am I ready to take the leap of faith?

Day 18: A Problem I've Had

Do the right thing, especially when it's difficult.

I loved my job my kids. My students were the source of much frustration as well as the reason I could get out of the bed to go to work in the morning. By my third year at my job, I was unhappy. It was more of an subconscious unhappiness that manifested itself in constant illness, fatigue, and other stress related symptoms. By my third year rolled around, I spent the first 6 weeks of the school year battling blurred vision, a never-ending cold, and worst of all respiratory distress that would have me gasping for air in the middle of class. By the end of the school year, I spent many days pushing back tears to and from work. Despite the adversity I faced at work, I was caught at a crossroads: do I stay and pray that it would get better the next year, or do I leave and start over? What about my kids? What about all of the things I was involved in? What if I leave and end up in a worse situation?

By the end of June, I decided to step out on faith. If God has been keeping me thus far, I wholeheartedly believed that He would not bring me into a worse situation. So, I took my leap of faith. The second interview I went on, although I arrived 15 minutes late, felt totally unprepared, and just knew there was no way I could get this job, I got the job offer the same day I interviewed.

Now that we're a few weeks from ending the first semester, I can say I am a lot happier where I am. I still love and miss my kids. And there are times that I wonder if I made the right decision because I do have difficult days. But, I'm reminded that no matter what my fears and what if's are, as long as I follow God and his will for my life, he will guide me to the path I'm supposed to be on.

It was difficult, but I had do the right thing, for me.

Day 17: Something I'm Proud Of

I am most proud of being me.

I don't say it to sound conceited, but I am pretty awesome, and I'm very proud of that.

Why do I say this? Let's go over some stats:
-Child of a single mother
-Grew up without a father (or real male influence for that matter)
-Welfare kid raised mostly in NYC housing
-Have taken on a great amount of responsibility from a young age
-Graduated from one of the top schools in the city (as well as the country)
-I have my bachelors, and masters, and have been working in my profession since 23.

Based on my humble beginnings, there's a lot of places I should've ended up. The statistics were not in my favor to achieve what I have done in this almost 27 years of life (...and we all know what the stats say I should be doing with my life). But, by the grace of God and having a strong mother, grandmother, and various teachers over the years who kept me on track, my narrative is different than what the outside world would have projected for me. And for that, I am extremely proud. I hope and pray that as I dive deeper into my profession and the purpose that God has for my life, that I can use my life as a testament to those coming up after me that your story doesn't have to be what the masses have made it to be. Your story can be different. It won't be easy, but its not impossible.

This is what I am most proud of. :)

Day 16: "What If..."

One of my more "what if" life questions has been what if I grew up with my father's side of the family? I didn't actually meet my father until I was 18. On Mother's Day 2003, I looked in the phone book and the second number I called was him. I met my younger sister in 2005, some of my older cousins and aunt in 2010, and my brothers, step mother and more cousins this year. The more family I meet, the more I wonder how different my life would have been if they had been there the whole time instead of now.

The one person I've always wanted to meet but I don't know if I'll ever get the chance to is my grandmother. When I went to my cousin's Labor Day BBQ this year, I was around a bunch of people who had known my grandma in some capacity and so many said that I remind them of her. It was bittersweet for me because I have absolutely no connection to her and didn't actually see a picture of her for the first time until this year. I wonder if I would've been grandma's little girl since I was the only girl for the longest time? Would she have taught me Spanish and about my Cuban culture and other traditions?

My flights of "what if" fancy clearly focus on the positive side of things of being involved in this loving family and having this great support system helping in my child-rearing. But only God knows if that would've been the case. Not knowing them might have been better than actually being raised in the messiness of family drama. There's no guarantee that they would've even accepted me into the family? ...or that there would have been no drama between my mom, dad, and the family. Considering that I wasn't raised with much family on my mom's side of the family, I wonder if I would have been more secure in having a family structure, which would have made me more secure in who I was, despite the craziness of life during my childhood and adolescence.

I could go on and on with what if's, but instead I've chosen to take the opportunity I have now to get to know my family and pray that although we've missed out in much of each others lives to this point, that we can create our own family bond that didn't happen because of whatever reasons as we were growing up. I'm very much hopeful in that. :)

Day 15: My Zodiac/Horoscope

Today's horoscope according to msn.com
"You should be at your peak of health. Physically, you feel strong and energetic. You're in the physical and mental space to accomplish wonders, so don't be surprised if today you do just that. This could bring you the promise of a brighter future in the creative, professional, and financial domains."

Let's see,,, Since I can't remember the last time I had a full 8 hours of sleep, and I've been fighting the urge to gag on and off for much of the day, I wouldn't say that I'm feeling strong or energetic by any means. Mentally, I've been reflecting on a few things which has led me to be fully aware of my awesome. I'm definitely rocking a big ego right now lol. Maybe the "mental space to accomplish wonders" is on the horizon, but right now I'm just trying to get through Friday.