Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Day 14: What I Wore Today
Today was definitely not one of my high fashion days. I wore a purple shirt with gray dress pants and a black sweater. And in a move to be super comfortable, I wore my brown and yellow pumas. Yup, comfort over fashion was the name of the game today.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Thoughts on Love
This weekend was largely a cerebral weekend. I generally hate to admit how lost in my own thoughts and emotions I can become. But it's important to take the time to evaluate and re-evaluate the events of and my personal thoughts and feelings regarding the things going on in my life. My Jesus Journal Time (which I definitely need to take more of) brought me to everyone's favorite chapter on love, 1 Corinthians 13. I first read it in NIV, but then something in me wanted to read it in The Message. Mind you, I generally don't like that version of the Bible. But, I have to say I was pleasantly surprised on how much I needed to read those particular words.
"I'm bankrupt without love."
I love love. I love loving, being loved, and being in love. There was a long period in my life where I wouldn't have even thought to utter such a statement, largely based on being hurt so many times in the past. I eventually came to terms with the fact that when God created me, he created a lover and a servant. Since that point, I have made it part of my life to just love, serve, and develop meaningful relationships with the people around me. It hasn't been easy though. To love truly and deeply is to be vulnerable and transparent- things that I most times don't want to be because it always runs the risk of ending in hurt and rejection. It's for those reasons that I don't use the term "love" lightly.
This is why recent conversations and issues regarding community, friendship, and romantic relationship have been difficult for me to grapple. Within these conversations, I've had to realize that my brand of love and relationship doesn't match the words and actions of many. Arriving to this realization has been the result of the sadness, anger, and confusion that comes along with rejection, as well as the joy, fulfillment and contentment that comes with acceptance. I've definitely been more discouraged lately and have questioned why it just seems to terribly hard to love and be loved by another, just simply because God has created before me a person who deserves to be loved not because of who they could be, but rather because of who they are.
"Love never gives up."
Throwing in the towel has seemed like a great option as of late because my heart has become quite weary. I don't claim to be perfect by any means, but when genuine thought and good intention is met with indifference or rejection, its hard to muster the desire to keep going. Its in those times that God has a great way of reminding me of the great individuals I have in my life who have invested the time and effort to know me and love me for all of the layers and complexities that make me who I am, rather than who I am perceived to be. Having the opportunity to invest and be invested in another has been a beautiful journey that I wouldn't trade for anything. I still struggle, and question, and wrestle with trying to understand why things have turned out the way they have in some areas of my life. So many times I just want God to illuminate the path and time to when things will look differently. But until such time, I must continue love wholeheartedly, and hope and trust in the vision and promise that I believe God has for my life and those who will be part of it.
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12We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us! 13But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love."
1 Corinthians 13:12-13 (The Message)
"I'm bankrupt without love."
I love love. I love loving, being loved, and being in love. There was a long period in my life where I wouldn't have even thought to utter such a statement, largely based on being hurt so many times in the past. I eventually came to terms with the fact that when God created me, he created a lover and a servant. Since that point, I have made it part of my life to just love, serve, and develop meaningful relationships with the people around me. It hasn't been easy though. To love truly and deeply is to be vulnerable and transparent- things that I most times don't want to be because it always runs the risk of ending in hurt and rejection. It's for those reasons that I don't use the term "love" lightly.
This is why recent conversations and issues regarding community, friendship, and romantic relationship have been difficult for me to grapple. Within these conversations, I've had to realize that my brand of love and relationship doesn't match the words and actions of many. Arriving to this realization has been the result of the sadness, anger, and confusion that comes along with rejection, as well as the joy, fulfillment and contentment that comes with acceptance. I've definitely been more discouraged lately and have questioned why it just seems to terribly hard to love and be loved by another, just simply because God has created before me a person who deserves to be loved not because of who they could be, but rather because of who they are.
"Love never gives up."
Throwing in the towel has seemed like a great option as of late because my heart has become quite weary. I don't claim to be perfect by any means, but when genuine thought and good intention is met with indifference or rejection, its hard to muster the desire to keep going. Its in those times that God has a great way of reminding me of the great individuals I have in my life who have invested the time and effort to know me and love me for all of the layers and complexities that make me who I am, rather than who I am perceived to be. Having the opportunity to invest and be invested in another has been a beautiful journey that I wouldn't trade for anything. I still struggle, and question, and wrestle with trying to understand why things have turned out the way they have in some areas of my life. So many times I just want God to illuminate the path and time to when things will look differently. But until such time, I must continue love wholeheartedly, and hope and trust in the vision and promise that I believe God has for my life and those who will be part of it.
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12We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us! 13But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love."
1 Corinthians 13:12-13 (The Message)
Day 13: Body Image
So today's question is how do I feel about my body? Admittedly that's a tricky topic, especially since I'm a female. It feels like its almost instinctive that no matter what we look like, we find a flaw about ourselves to harp on. I could give a list of my imperfections and provide you with my wishlist of "I'd look so much better if"... but I'd rather take a different approach.
I think that I ampretty beautiful both inside and out. I haven't been always able to say that. In fact, its only at this stage of my life that I'm actually able to say with more conviction that I think I'm pretty awesome. I grew up with a slew of body image issues. I was too tall, too heavy, my hair wasn't straight enough, too dark, ...whatever. I was definitely the kid who was picked on because of my size and shape. And for the longest time, I believed the "hype." Now I look at pictures and realize that I was a bad mother shut your mouth! Shoot, I wish I looked now how I did then lol!
What didn't help me then (or now) is the fact that there aren't enough images in our media and society that affirm natural beauty, especially for black women. I would be and still get discouraged when I can't find stylish clothes or shoes that fit me well. Or, you hear guys refer to women with certain characteristics as beautiful and desirable. What about me...? Who wouldn't want a positive outer affirmation of their thoughts of their own beauty or handsomeness.
To stay that today I am 100% comfortable with my body would be a lie. I definitely would like to lose weight, but for both aesthetic and health reasons, especially since this is probably my heaviest weight to date. I need to put the team chubb chubb lite revolution in full effect. And yes, I do have those days where the murmurs of my imperfections seem to be more audible than the voice of my true beauty. But, for the first time in my life, I can look in the mirror and say, "hey you over there, you're a looker!" That's a feeling that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world.
I think that I am
What didn't help me then (or now) is the fact that there aren't enough images in our media and society that affirm natural beauty, especially for black women. I would be and still get discouraged when I can't find stylish clothes or shoes that fit me well. Or, you hear guys refer to women with certain characteristics as beautiful and desirable. What about me...? Who wouldn't want a positive outer affirmation of their thoughts of their own beauty or handsomeness.
To stay that today I am 100% comfortable with my body would be a lie. I definitely would like to lose weight, but for both aesthetic and health reasons, especially since this is probably my heaviest weight to date. I need to put the team chubb chubb lite revolution in full effect. And yes, I do have those days where the murmurs of my imperfections seem to be more audible than the voice of my true beauty. But, for the first time in my life, I can look in the mirror and say, "hey you over there, you're a looker!" That's a feeling that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Surrender
At this point of my life, I've been confronted time and time again with the experiences of my past, the circumstances of my present, and the desires of my future. When a few years ago, time seemed limitless, now time seems to be closing in. Life decisions have bigger consequences, and the stakes are much higher. For a while now, I've been in a state of limbo, battling past, present and future, and finding myself stuck in a place of apathy and rebellion. In my present, I want to rebel against my past, which is full of lack, sacrifice, and denying myself and my desires and needs for others. Yet, care and concern for the other is the very thing that God placed in my heart for his purpose for my life. So, its all made me quite apathetic to many things. I'd rather not deal with it and be self-indulgent than put that time in to be responsible and responsive. In reality, its just left me running in circles leading nowhere. And besides, ignoring the pink elephant in the room doesn't mean it goes away. It grows until you have no choice but to deal with it.
I find myself at the crossroads of continuing on this path of slow destruction, or choosing to confront these places and surrender them to Christ. Yet, its amazing how our minds can be tricked into believing that we can carry our crosses by ourselves, and leave Christ and community out of the equation. Too much time has been given to running, Its now time to take that energy, that time, to spending it with Christ, to reignite the love affair, to bring light to all of these deep, dark places and say and honestly mean Lord, I surrender all.
9.30.11
Surrender means
letting go of control
To let those things that are not of You die
So that I might live as a new creature in you
Surrender is
giving into the idea of the unknown
Because there is comfort in the cross I see before me
than the unknown gift ahead of me
Surrender is
saying let our will be done on earth as it is in heaven
and mean it.
It means being honest
with myself
and you
so that we can be together
My life intertwined with your will
My desires, my fears, my control
broken so that you ay be deeper rooted within me
Lord, I desire more of you,
but fear clouds my line of sight.
Lord I need you
for I am broken.
Father save me.
Fill me.
Comfort me.
Protect me.
Walk with me.
Remind me that I am still your child,
The hand of your creation.
I find myself at the crossroads of continuing on this path of slow destruction, or choosing to confront these places and surrender them to Christ. Yet, its amazing how our minds can be tricked into believing that we can carry our crosses by ourselves, and leave Christ and community out of the equation. Too much time has been given to running, Its now time to take that energy, that time, to spending it with Christ, to reignite the love affair, to bring light to all of these deep, dark places and say and honestly mean Lord, I surrender all.
9.30.11
Surrender means
letting go of control
To let those things that are not of You die
So that I might live as a new creature in you
Surrender is
giving into the idea of the unknown
Because there is comfort in the cross I see before me
than the unknown gift ahead of me
Surrender is
saying let our will be done on earth as it is in heaven
and mean it.
It means being honest
with myself
and you
so that we can be together
My life intertwined with your will
My desires, my fears, my control
broken so that you ay be deeper rooted within me
Lord, I desire more of you,
but fear clouds my line of sight.
Lord I need you
for I am broken.
Father save me.
Fill me.
Comfort me.
Protect me.
Walk with me.
Remind me that I am still your child,
The hand of your creation.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Day 12: Five Guys I Find Attractive
I want to preface this post with the fact that I have a great appreciation for "man candy." =P
Here they are in no particular order:
1) Shia LaBeouf
2) Lance Gross
3) Common
4) Laz Alonso
5) Paul Rudd
Here they are in no particular order:
1) Shia LaBeouf
2) Lance Gross
3) Common
4) Laz Alonso
5) Paul Rudd
Friday, September 2, 2011
Day 11: Mi Familia
The word family is still an unfolding definition for me.
I am the oldest of five- two brothers and a sister from my father, and a sister from my mom.
In a nutshell, family = complicated in both the family tree and the relationship sense.
Both my mother and father have very distant family dynamics.
My mom is African-American and was raised as an only child. On my mother's side, I don't know my grandfather and most of my cousins on my grandmother's side live out of state. Hence, I was not raised with them.
My father Cuban & Bajan and is the youngest of 4. I didn't meet my father until I was 18, and only now at 26 am I actually meeting members of his side of the family, like my brothers, step-mom, cousins, etc. He is also not very connected with his family.
Its only in the past few months of greater interaction with my father's side of the family that I realize that my working definition of what is family is very much limited. I don't know what it functionally looks like, and how to maneuver in it. This is due to 1) having non-existent relationships with extended family, and 2) being met with great responsibility within my family unit. I'm in the process of trying to build relationship with the members of my family on both sides, right now more so on my father's side since I don't know them at all, as opposed to my mom's side where we at least know one another as family, though distant.
My family experiences definitely warrant some sessions on Dr. Phil's couch. Its been a a hard road trying to reconcile the desire for family, the desire for present parents, family stability, sisterhood, sibling relationship... with the reality of what I know and have experienced, with the massive back story that shapes and explains why things are the way they are.
My hope for the future with my family is that relationships can be created, mended, rectified, strengthened, deepened, and unified. In many respects this leaves me as the one to keep people connected (particularly on my mom's side). I can only hope and pray that I don't pass on the same experiences to my future family and children because it certainly isn't easy.
I am the oldest of five- two brothers and a sister from my father, and a sister from my mom.
In a nutshell, family = complicated in both the family tree and the relationship sense.
Both my mother and father have very distant family dynamics.
My mom is African-American and was raised as an only child. On my mother's side, I don't know my grandfather and most of my cousins on my grandmother's side live out of state. Hence, I was not raised with them.
My father Cuban & Bajan and is the youngest of 4. I didn't meet my father until I was 18, and only now at 26 am I actually meeting members of his side of the family, like my brothers, step-mom, cousins, etc. He is also not very connected with his family.
Its only in the past few months of greater interaction with my father's side of the family that I realize that my working definition of what is family is very much limited. I don't know what it functionally looks like, and how to maneuver in it. This is due to 1) having non-existent relationships with extended family, and 2) being met with great responsibility within my family unit. I'm in the process of trying to build relationship with the members of my family on both sides, right now more so on my father's side since I don't know them at all, as opposed to my mom's side where we at least know one another as family, though distant.
My family experiences definitely warrant some sessions on Dr. Phil's couch. Its been a a hard road trying to reconcile the desire for family, the desire for present parents, family stability, sisterhood, sibling relationship... with the reality of what I know and have experienced, with the massive back story that shapes and explains why things are the way they are.
My hope for the future with my family is that relationships can be created, mended, rectified, strengthened, deepened, and unified. In many respects this leaves me as the one to keep people connected (particularly on my mom's side). I can only hope and pray that I don't pass on the same experiences to my future family and children because it certainly isn't easy.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Day 10: Do the Ipod Shuffle
- The Temptations- Just My Imagination
- Carlos Santana- Nothing At All (Feat. Musiq)
- Mariah Carey- Fantasy
- Mariah Carey- Dream Lover
- Aaliyah- 4 Page Letter
- Kirk Whalum- Falling In Love With Jesus
- Kelly Price- This is Who I Am
- Destiny's Child- Lose My Breath
- Jill Scott- Cross My Mind
- Beyonce- Check On It (Club Mix)