Transitions

tran·si·tion

[tran-zish-uhn, -sish-] Show IPA

noun

1.

movement, passage, or change from one position, state, stage, subject, concept, etc., to another; change: the transition from adolescence to adulthood.

 

 

Transitions have a funny way of sneaking up on you without notice. It's like, one night you go to sleep one way, and you wake up the next day with your world is somehow shifted off of its axis. Okay, maybe its not always that drastic, but I think you can catch my point.

 

This past year has been nothing but transitions- drastic changes to my life as a whole. I went from sharing an apartment with friends in Brooklyn, to sleeping on a friend's floor in North Jersey, while couch hopping in the city during the week. I've seen relationships, goals, and ideas change. I've seen the career that I sacrificed so much for, dedicated so much to, change. Anyone on the outside looking in on my life would see that I've lost a lot. I, being on the inside of the glass of course sees so much more. There is nothing easy or comforting about your world, my world, being turned around. I was content where I was. I loved the freedom of living on my own. I felt comfort in the stability of my career. I even felt like for once in my life I could start laying down some solid life plans and goals for my future.

 

And this is where God... laughs!

 

Brick by brick, the walls off my comfort zone have been dismantled. The plans that I had- nothing more than smeared ink on crumpled pages. My ideas on my life and how I define self, success, and stability- shifted. I look back and reminisce on how comfortable I was. But was I happy?

 

Transition forces you to take inventory, reevaluate what is really important as you move onto the next stage in life. This time has forced me to look at my past, present, and future with new lenses. Its forced me to confront myself in a way that I would have not done if I were comfortable. Its forced me to narrow down what is really important. So where I could see this year of losses as a negative circumstance, I choose to see it as a way of making room for new ideas and opportunities. It has allowed me to see God differently and trust Him in a way that I did not before. It's in essence, the answer to a deep seated prayer to have the opportunity to start over. And though things are not where I want them to be, and circumstances are not as comfortable as I'd desire, I have a level of happiness and contentment now that I didn't have when I was comfortable. It doesn't mean I don't have tough days or moments where I wrestle with God, life, and self. However, it is a testament to the work that God has been doing in me in the last year, and will continue to do as I continue to seek His will for my life on this path of transition.

 

Hello. My name is Joy, and these are the pages of my journey.

Day 26: Oh the Worries...

Something I currently worry about...

Money.

Money is something I've never had an abundance of. I grew up as a welfare kid. I took loans all throughout college. And now that I'm a working adult trying to make it on my own, I worry a lot about my finances- the mistakes and successes I've made along the way. My goal at this current stage in my life is to be ahead of my finances instead of my finances being ahead of me. That means making some tough choices and facing some difficult things, but I know that once I grab hold of this mountain in my life, things will be a lot better for me.

Day 25: Self Likes & Dislikes

I am AWESOME!!!

I like the fact that I am awesome, largely because it took me well into adulthood to realize and own just how awesome I am. What makes me awesome you ask...? Well lets me tell ya ;)

1) I'm a hot-mess ...in the good sense
I'm funny, silly, and love to laugh.

2) I'm a smart cookie.
I love learning and I love teaching other what I've learned

3) I'm caring.
Its my hearts desire to help people, and bring people together.

4) I'm beautiful.
Admittedly I still have my personal struggles owning this but I know I'm a looker!


But in all of my awesome, I have some areas I need to work on.

1) Discipline- I don't always have the strongest will-power when it comes to taking care of things I don't like, or that don't come naturally to me. I can be a bit of a lazy mc lazy pants.

2) Organization- which goes back to the discipline, I am a great organizer, but don't always follow the plan. 

3) Weight- Being at my heaviest weight ever, I'm not pleased with that by any means. Yet with that, I have found a beauty and appreciation for myself that I wish I had in my thinner & younger days,

4) Voice- I've never been good at voicing my wants or needs. Rather, I wasn't really allowed to voice such things when I was growing up. As an adult, its something I very much struggle with. Its a work in progress...

My life is a work in progress, and the things that I like and dislike about myself are a true reflection of this.

Day 24: Things that Make Me Laugh

So clearly, I have failed at doing this writing challenge in 30 days, but better late than never right....

 5 words/phrases that make me laugh

1. (Not) 'Bout that life. Definitely a 2012 phrase. It makes me laugh each time. 
2.  ShouldaboughtaHonda, SteadIBoughtAKia. Yup. 
3. Anything that ends in getting me pregnant. I laugh in embarassment each time. 
4. C-Dubbs
5. Swag, and the excessive use of the word. Its funny. Sad, but funny.

New Year's Eve

As 2012 comes to a close tonight, I can't help but be reflective of the number of changes that have happened in my life this year. It has been a roller coaster of a year, truly full of its peaks and valley's.  With my birthday just passing a week and a half prior to today, I have spent my time reflecting on where I have been and where I'd like to be. To not be consumed by the negative has been an active choice, for I definitely am not whee I'd like to be at this time in life. Yet, I can't help but find myself thankful and waiting in anticipation for what God has in store for this next year of my life.

"Unto You be all the glory."

There are many things that I want to see in this next year of my life- an apartment of my own, new and mended relationships, traveling, better finances. Yet, what I currently long for is to really see where God will take me and grow me in this coming year. Yes, I want to increase this year, and not in the prosperity and blessing theology sense (though I wouldn't turn down material blessing by any means). I want to increase in faith, and truly have my life be a testament to the power of God in one's life when they choose to surrender their lives to Him.

Decrease for increase. Less of me, more of Him.

This year's over-arching goal is to change my narrative. And in changing my narrative, that means removing those things from my life that 1) don't benefit me in any way 2) don't glorify God in any way and 3) have taken too high of a place in my life. The closing of this year has been working on pulling the weeds in my life to prep and prime the soil for a bountiful growing and harvest season, so that it may bless me and all of those around me. That is my prayer for the coming year.

Day 20: Your Fears

Failure.
Mediocrity.
Being alone.
Unrealized dreams.
Not fulfilling my purpose.

Though I don't believe in psychics, there are times that I wish I had the ability to get a glimpse into what the future looks like so I know what to expect. Through the Bible and his divine revelation to us, God gives us tidbits of different areas of our lives in the times to come. But as I become more anxious in certain areas of my life, I wish I had a little life cheat sheet to help me along the way.

I'm definitely at a time in my life where as I begin to evaluate what really matters, I can't help but have some of those "what if" questions lurk around my thoughts. What if I miss the mark? What if I don't make it? What if my life goes in a completely different direction? What if I don't make it? I try not to let these things get to me because if left to my own devises I can definitely think and over analyze myself into an abyss of "what if's."

What I hold onto today is the fact that I believe that God's promises for my life will be fulfilled! My life will not be reduced to a dream deferred. When the voices of fear and circumstance become more audible than things I believe God for in my life, I am quickly reminded that He will never leave or forsake me. So, I must keep going.

Besides, I've come too far now to let something like the what if's turn my fears into reality.

Leap of Faith- What is your "holy grail"?

One of my favorite films is Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. My favorite scene in the film is when Indiana Jones is faced with crossing this unfathomable pass from one cliff to another in quest of the Holy Grail. In a moment of ultimate faith, Indy steps out and his path is made straight before him. In my life, this has become my image of ultimate faith. When things seem at their most bleak, most impossible, when there is no where else to turn, it is faith in God that truly makes a way out of no way. The path that God creates before us may not come the way we envisioned or expected, but he will never leave us.

As I embark on a new year in my life, both in age and in time, I have been thrown into a deeper space of thought on life and self. Somewhere between current life circumstances and the desires of my heart, I am caught trying to navigate these two very different worlds. I wish I could say that at minimum I've found some sort of acceptable balance between these areas, but that would be a lie. Instead, I feel I'm caught in the two steps forward, three steps back cycle, with current circumstances taking precedence over the vision I believe God has created for my life. More often than not, faith seems like a fleeting concept. Both my body and my heart are weary. The "Lord, something's gotta give because this isn't working" conversation seems to permeate many of my talks with God.

Everyone's holy grail looks different. For Indy, the holy grail was literal. For others, it may be more dire circumstances- jobs, homes, health, addiction. For me, I am searching for permanence, stability, freedom, a place to belong and be, a home and family (in multiple senses of those words), a place to love and be loved- I'm searching to put an end to those cycles in the lives of both myself and my family that seem to keep us from living in the fullness of life God has for us. From childhood, I was taught that "faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Now, the question becomes, do I have the faith to take the leap of faith and trust that despite circumstances, fears, and obstacles, Christ will always make a way and answer prayer?

Am I ready to take the leap of faith?